There is so much I need to do for this conference and also just in general for my life; one of these aforementioned things would be sleep, but I find myself more comforted by the clicks of the keyboard's rhythm than the squish of my pillow. I don't have much to say but there is something...

I feel desperately alone today. I don't feel lonely, I don't think, and I don't feel confused. I feel very solidly alone. I feel like last night I realized how alone I feel in general, how I feel generally unaccepted and this feels like a running pattern throughout my time on earth. It's just been excessively frustrating lately to be in a place where everything and everyone are new, and I have to keep bumping my head into everything with the awareness of my solitude. This is not so much a problem as it is a painful sort of thing we all have to work out-- perhaps not feeling unaccepted but just the exhaustion of recognizing that each of us puts out at least one thing more than they can ever get back. It all comes back somehow, in some form, because the universe demands balance. But when I can't fall asleep and I hate waking up, I can't help but be exhausted by this whole enterprise. I feel like there's nothing I can do right. It's so weird how no matter how old I get or how much the happenings of my life change, I find myself experiencing such similar patterns, emotional responses, and wondering why the heck I can't just prevent it. But the truth is, we give these things because we know people need us, need the way we love or think or push them. We give because we possibly can, and there is a sense, I believe, of duty in this. I just get scared sometimes when I feel the way I've always felt that I'll end up reacting in a way I've taught myself not to.

This is all very vague and very uncomfortable because it's 1am and I'm not sure who I'm supposed to talk to. When the world is sleeping, it's a lot harder to figure out who you're supposed to talk to. And when you're constantly searching for excuses not to express yourself, this terrible nightmare is a really twisted kind of blessing.

Point is, I'm going away this weekend and I'm going to file folder my brain until I have a better, more clear sense of direction. It is so very hard to say exactly what you mean. And even if you can, what's the point?