Growing Up

So, I just paid my Limited credit card, which I only have actually to build credit (I buy something like once every four months or something), and transferred money from some account to another. And I have been trying to figure out how to work all the days in the week and trying to scheme how to make extra money on the side, just because I literally am living paycheck to paycheck... and I'm realizing how much debt I have to pay back and how hard it will be to do that unless I stay at Dora's for.... ever. Bryan and I had a funky sort of day in a non-positive way really and Japan is destroyed and I feel like I'm drowning in all the things I can't understand. For the first time since moving here two months ago +, I got homesick and I wanted to be in my living room watching The Mentalist (best-worst-show ever) with my dad having the cats cuddle my lap and just not do anything. I get so upset knowing I can't make the time to call back the people who call me or call the people who ask me to and I feel guilty about things I can't control. Today was not a good day for feelings.

But somehow I think about how I can wake up in the morning and do the things I need to do, how I have moved across the country and mostly been able to take care of myself... I don't feel so much lucky as I do glad that I wake up in the morning with the motivation to seize the opportunities in front of me and that I was blessed with a pleasant disposition. I feel crazy right now... just really in a deep, dark place, basement style... but I still feel like I've been worse... that at least I know I can get through it... that there's goodness in this all and that there's beauty in figuring out what that is. I just need to have these breakdowns, I think, so that I can see it all for what it is sometimes, just little broken pieces... and be able to accept those pieces and try to build a miracle of it anyway.

I don't feel good, but it's warm in my room. And I know that counts for something.