There is so much I need to do for this conference and also just in general for my life; one of these aforementioned things would be sleep, but I find myself more comforted by the clicks of the keyboard's rhythm than the squish of my pillow. I don't have much to say but there is something...

I feel desperately alone today. I don't feel lonely, I don't think, and I don't feel confused. I feel very solidly alone. I feel like last night I realized how alone I feel in general, how I feel generally unaccepted and this feels like a running pattern throughout my time on earth. It's just been excessively frustrating lately to be in a place where everything and everyone are new, and I have to keep bumping my head into everything with the awareness of my solitude. This is not so much a problem as it is a painful sort of thing we all have to work out-- perhaps not feeling unaccepted but just the exhaustion of recognizing that each of us puts out at least one thing more than they can ever get back. It all comes back somehow, in some form, because the universe demands balance. But when I can't fall asleep and I hate waking up, I can't help but be exhausted by this whole enterprise. I feel like there's nothing I can do right. It's so weird how no matter how old I get or how much the happenings of my life change, I find myself experiencing such similar patterns, emotional responses, and wondering why the heck I can't just prevent it. But the truth is, we give these things because we know people need us, need the way we love or think or push them. We give because we possibly can, and there is a sense, I believe, of duty in this. I just get scared sometimes when I feel the way I've always felt that I'll end up reacting in a way I've taught myself not to.

This is all very vague and very uncomfortable because it's 1am and I'm not sure who I'm supposed to talk to. When the world is sleeping, it's a lot harder to figure out who you're supposed to talk to. And when you're constantly searching for excuses not to express yourself, this terrible nightmare is a really twisted kind of blessing.

Point is, I'm going away this weekend and I'm going to file folder my brain until I have a better, more clear sense of direction. It is so very hard to say exactly what you mean. And even if you can, what's the point?

All day long, through the most intense rain, the sun was insistent upon shining, leading me to come home to a gorgeous rainbow outside my front door. And, on top of that, I'm heading to Ariana's for Wednesday dinner, as I do every week, and we plan to finish the night off by eating a pineapple vanilla cake that literally has my name on it. All the bad feelings, all the hard times, just another moment of processing, just the buffering, just the changing of seasons...

The Words of Others Helping Me Speak, As Always...

"We bloomed in Spring. Our bodies are the leaves of God. The apparent seasons of life and death our eyes can suffer; but our souls, dear, I will just say this forthright: they are God Himself, we will never perish until He does." -St. Teresa of Avila

Today, March 22, 2011, my grandfather on my dad's side died. He had alzheimer's disease for as long as I can actually remember of him, but died today of simple age related complications, I'd guess, and it is a blessing that his spirit is free of that disease now. I didn't see him often, and mostly only as a kid; I have vague foggy memories of seeing him in the same room as me, watching him watch my grandma, but nothing I can be sure is of reality's making and not just that of my own mind. But I knew him, somehow. My father, as his son, whether one of loyalty or rebellion, reflected in his own way much of who my grandfather presented him to be--- aspects of who he was and what he believed in radiate through my father's respect of traditions and celebration, and my father's loyalty. I know my grandfather also because of my grandma, because of how she has influenced my life, although she's always been far away. Her kindness and selflessness were encouraged by his support and dedication through decades of marriage, devotion, and love. The relationships I barely witnessed but were still able to sense are mostly what I am left thinking of today as I think pleasantly on the memory of my grandfather, his love of family, service to his country, and deep faith in God.

As much as it is sad to think on any loss, really, I feel grateful most of all that he is finally free of disease and free of physical restrictions. I worry about my family, my grandma, my dad... but I know that there is so much blessing in this. There is a cycle in effect here... all things appear to terminate, but nothing is ever over- only the body can die. We can transform, move on, pass on. But to die is only to move on to the next adventure... I don't see how anything could really be over. The universe is breathing with what we leave behind-- words, love, feeling, courage, testament. As God's word hums through the earth and the everything, I feel the beating of some kind of miracle. Life and death are not stopping points--- just "seasons," like St. Teresa said. The only thing changing is the scenery. There has been a profound beauty in today as the passing of my beloved grandfather has reminded me of my many life blessings.

All shall be well, all shall be well...

This is a link to the story about the apartment I saw burning on Saturday morning. It was really shocking to walk outside and see this... so scary to see so much smoke just across the street. I didn't know it was so bad... something about seeing it in real life made it more difficult to believe. Anyway, I am glad there has only been one loss from the fire so far. Super thankful that I still have an apartment to come back to and fresh air in my lungs.

http://elcerrito.patch.com/articles/update-woman-dies-after-solano-structure-fire

Growing Up

So, I just paid my Limited credit card, which I only have actually to build credit (I buy something like once every four months or something), and transferred money from some account to another. And I have been trying to figure out how to work all the days in the week and trying to scheme how to make extra money on the side, just because I literally am living paycheck to paycheck... and I'm realizing how much debt I have to pay back and how hard it will be to do that unless I stay at Dora's for.... ever. Bryan and I had a funky sort of day in a non-positive way really and Japan is destroyed and I feel like I'm drowning in all the things I can't understand. For the first time since moving here two months ago +, I got homesick and I wanted to be in my living room watching The Mentalist (best-worst-show ever) with my dad having the cats cuddle my lap and just not do anything. I get so upset knowing I can't make the time to call back the people who call me or call the people who ask me to and I feel guilty about things I can't control. Today was not a good day for feelings.

But somehow I think about how I can wake up in the morning and do the things I need to do, how I have moved across the country and mostly been able to take care of myself... I don't feel so much lucky as I do glad that I wake up in the morning with the motivation to seize the opportunities in front of me and that I was blessed with a pleasant disposition. I feel crazy right now... just really in a deep, dark place, basement style... but I still feel like I've been worse... that at least I know I can get through it... that there's goodness in this all and that there's beauty in figuring out what that is. I just need to have these breakdowns, I think, so that I can see it all for what it is sometimes, just little broken pieces... and be able to accept those pieces and try to build a miracle of it anyway.

I don't feel good, but it's warm in my room. And I know that counts for something.

I just want to get to Friday which is payday which means I can buy my plane tickets and register for the conference and take a freaking break from "settling in" for a few days. I'm really glad I'm here. I'm excessively thankful for having the eyes to see all these opportunities in front of me and for being surrounded by incredible people all the time. But, sometimes, I just want everything to shut up shut up shut up so I can tell you that I don't care, that it doesn't matter, that this isn't the point! I feel like I'm forgetting to breathe. It will be nice to be in an airplane going to see literally nobody that I know and just be able to do a lot of listening and maybe a lot of sleeping and talk about Henry and Anais. I feel like I'm in high school again, just misunderstood and really uncomfortable and unknowable and unable to tell anybody that that is where I'm at right now.

Step outside of your perspective for one moment and feel what the people around you are experiencing. Blood pulses through our veins in different rhythms. I put my hands up and try to see if I can forget myself for a moment and accept what is in the air. Do you hear it? They're trying to tell you everything they don't know in words.

I like the times when the lyrics match our arguments, when we both feel that happening, when we both let the silence speak to us until we remember how to speak with one another. I like knowing that at the end of the day, we can't separate unless we're sure everything feels better. I appreciate you.

Last night, after a terrible-no-good day, I bought a mini sewing kit from Joann's Fabrics. I started sewing a pillow. It's not much but it made me feel better. Since I was little, I let all my anxiety build in my fingertips and doing things like writing or sewing or coloring or putting together puzzles really help work that out. Anyway, I made this deicison that I want to make all my own stuff now. We'll see how that goes, but I feel excited for it.

Waaazbfoeghu93.

Bad Vibes March

I'm really bummed that I had to use some money from my savings account already. I feel really sad about it. I felt like I was doing a good job saving and I was putting money in there every chance, really. It feels like the first time in my life I had gotten serious about actually having a savings account. But today I got my first ever ticket... for parking during street sweeping like an IDIOT... so dumb for not reading the signs! Every street, the street sweeping schedule is different and I forgot to check this one time. I just moved the money into my checking account and I feel so disappointed in myself. I have witnessed a lot of growth within myself since I moved here and experienced a surge in responsibility and then I blow it. I really hate being a grown up sometimes... it means holding yourself accountable.

Today has been all around pretty miserable, from mood to circumstance to interactions. But... I haven't given up on March yet. Maybe this month I will win the $3000 from Walgreens. Or maybe I will buy some rainboots. I really want to be more creatively productive this month and send more mail now that my income is steadier. I want to continue saving and continue pumping out recipes and sharing them on my new blog. I feel March is a time of changes and while nature processes her's, I want to make some of my own.

Happy Ninja Day, folks.