It's hard to get to how I feel about things because this whole thing isn't about how I feel so much as how I am. You see, for once, not based in emotions, but based in a state of things, the way things are, the way we are, the way I am, the way I have been my whole life but so very out of context. Do I have the nerve to just say it?

I need help.

It's without a doubt one of the most confusing things to say out loud because things are fine. Everything seems fine. I go home and my house is here and it's good and things are fine and we have running water and I feel selfish for sleeping for 14 hours but it just is what is happening. And I'm not eating or I'm eating too much. Or I don't know. In the middle of all of this, I have just been hiding from it. It wouldn't have been easier two months ago and it won't be easier two months from now-- sometimes things just are. And sometimes things are at the risk of what you need. And I see potential for a downward slope and so I do what I can to be stronger than I have been in my life. I don't know. It helps to know it's not anyone else's business and in some ways it helps just not to talk about it, helps to know I know I am doing the right thing, helps to know I am headed to safety, helps to hear that it will all be over soon, helps to know I am not alone. Helps to not be alone.