For the second time in my life, I begin a cross country trek with Bryan Wilson Bramlett. Shy of one month, three years ago we did this trip the other way, taking the long way, taking our time, taking in one another. The dynamic has changed in many ways and the relationship I share with him now is different, too. It's not something I can easily explain to people, but the people around me / close to me seem to have it figured out on some level, the level of acceptance I guess, and that's good enough. He's kind enough to co pilot this journey for me, which feels like it will likely be more emotional than the reverse, and I am grateful for his friendship as I fumble my way back to the dirty south.

I don't know how to begin getting into how this happened, really, or what made me feel like returning. I could give a million reasons of why this is the right thing to do. Somehow, though, my natural self judgment is embarrassed--- though near everyone in my life has been ultra supportive and understanding. I'm not sure how much I support me yet, even though it's the right thing. Life is just so big, and it's scary to think you might be missing out on something by leaving, or like you missed out on something by being gone. 

I keep reminding myself that I'm not who I was back then, which is a blessing and also part of the problem. My joy levels right now are what feels like at an all time low but my optimism is high, surging through me like love, like heat. I'm counting on that to help me as I process another one of these adventures.

As I read back on what I wrote already, it's hard to see myself in it. I can't feel myself at all right now, out of touch with everything but on the right track. I don't know. I just felt like I needed to get a little of this out before beginning. The past two weeks have been the highlight of the last year for me, feeling loved and taken care of living with Sara and Julie, feeling valued with all the goodbyes and sweet words, feeling so sure about this one life choice even if I have no clue what I'm doing next. It's really important sometimes to just not know what the heck you're doing, just follow, just listen, just go. Sometimes, that's all. Just go. I still have stuff to cram into my itty bitty trunk, so I'm going to do that. And I'm going to be okay.

See ya on the other side