In the beginning, there was excitement.

There was also doubt.

There has been along the way so much more to fill the anxiety, to make it rest, to help it along, to cultivate goodness, to tell our story. But somehow, I know how it will end, and somehow it ended just this way, and somehow I look back into words you probably never read and see myself as a broken sketch, a worry mark, a little girl singing "this little light of mine" holding a single candle and crying, and as many time as I say things, I never say much at all. And I haven't thought of you much, more thought just of the absence of you and curious about the absence of me. There is very little sadness. But there is a lot that is more than this.

In the beginning, there was excitement.

There was also doubt.

And when the doubt grew bigger, my excitement grew smaller, and now here I am and I know what I have to do but I fear desperately what comes next and I fear pretty badly how to reshape my life again and I fear all these things but not enough to keep me from doing them. I am like this, you know. Fear is only ever half hearted. I always know I am being taken care of, looked after, that the song inside me is just God's voice helping me along, that I would not make a choice that wasn't exactly the right one. I know there is not much here for you, but I have to keep some things to myself, I have to keep myself, I have to keep, I just have to.

I hope that when you look back on your life and when you were where I am now once again, you will remember me. And we will be holding hands and smiling somewhere, and we will have been a memory for you that shines forever, never fades with hatred like most people do. I hope that when you look back, you see it for what it was in the good times, for the good.

I just truly have nothing else to say.