because matthew reminded me of carrollton, i reminded me of b.c.

brighted blue skin astringent smells like five weeks in spain and missing perfect teeth. somewhere between locked eyes and me telling my lover lies, i remember what wasn't waiting for me back home, in georgia, where it was probably raining, like it didn't for five weeks--- at least, it wasn't raining to me. but spanish is hard for me to grasp, even harder back then, muffled between locked lips above metro entryways, mapped out in picasso's confusion, or dressed on cream cheese pizza... noise and noise and beautiful noises reminding me that nothing, even a good thing, makes sense. but maybe spanish rain is dry, like the way my eyes were that summer, the summer of refusal, the summer of turning off the lights in order to hear someone else. farah's big brown eyes made me feel loved and understood, even though she is my opposite- how my little cosmo is now. something like understanding the impossibility of this is what made me forget how badly i wanted to forget other things. today, this is what i remember.

i feel like i deserve to be missed more. i know this is selfish, i guess.