Because I've been watching so many videos and having conversations of thoughtfulness

Trying to compile a list of intimate equidistances, somewhere lost between where I found you and where I came from, walking backwards on my hands, which is more like forewards afterall, and all I can do is apologize for not remembering how to love you more. I cant explain what I'm trying to do because I'm not sure that I'm trying to do much of anything, other than try to try my best or something resembling effortless happenings. There's nothing much I can do to adjust the prefixes, adjust my "past" as they keep referring to it as, forgetting that its happening all the time. Do you remember the first time it happened? Crossing over rocky mountain tops and letting the Allman Brothers wake me up first class or last class, or late to class maybe, all I remember is a song of letting things go, moving forward, pushing on. This is the inspiration. This is the poetry. This is the nakedness of everyone I've ever said "I love you" to. I'm never sorry for forgiveness and I'm not sorry for the rest of it either, but words hurt like bee stings that don't happen --- perpetual paranoid and papercut fingers. I remember how proud I was when I could tell my mom how to drive to the library, her pretending she'd forgotten the way just to give me something to do. I remember this and remember poetry and remember pretending like its the only thing, and I dont know how I forgot this before. There's something missing in you now, but I know where to find it. I just don't know how, how to turn left or make an appearance that makes an apparent difference. You grew a beard and I could barely recognize your immense cheerfulness. Given the arithmetic, I am reminded of my inability to cause joy and my lack of bandages. But then I look to the sky, bright blue and pregnant with rainclouds and I am lost in something more apparent that all these problems I had to excavate from my loved ones. I'm not a sorry person, but I'm sorry for being the person I have been--- sometimes. Not today. Today I'm fine. Today is a feeling