Nothing more than moving my bed and the purr of Cat Power's vocals matching my sadnesses, all it takes for me to cry you a river. I'm worried over nothing. Starting to get bored because I'm not moving any mountains. And this damn song has played like four times in an hour and I just feel like you're all following me in a dream and we're holding hands screaming insecurities and crying together. I've been with one man for nearly 8 months and haven't seen him cry once and to me this resonates as failure. I don't know where I am right now... I was just sitting here so mad that my room smelled bad and I ended up pushing everything around and shoving my bed and crying over nothing and maybe a lot of things and remembering that for the last week how heavy I've felt and how I don't know who to talk to that would be appropriate. I feel like I'm crushing myself with concern and I tried to tell you without saying anything and I remember how that never works. And I kill myself wondering why they never read my writing or why the cat decided to pee on the only thing I feel like I wanted to save forever (even though it was under a bunch of other stuff in my room. I feel like I can't keep doing this kind of crying because I am always alone and I feel like that's not what this is for. I don't know what my problem is.

If I'm being honest, I'm not unhappy. I'm just so overwhelmed of never telling people things that actually matter. Even when I was playing therapist, I don't feel like I was telling you anything. I just wonder if it is me indeed or if people don't want to know me that way? I know its not anyone else's fault. It just feels like I've really written my whole story so wrong. And I just want to feel like I'm really loved for being the person I am and not for being this half person all the time.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.