Truth is, I think this is because for most of my life I did have a lot to be sad about. And when others could not bare their own sadnesses, I would absorb it and carry it for them. It was always someone's sadness to live in and work through. It was a choice. That's the gift. It is always ever only a choice we make to be the person who deals in these sadnesses (or anger, or what have yous). You can ask me anything... I've heard it before. This is my gift... my book of other people's sadnesses... open any page... I will read it to you without names. Somehow, we will get through this. It's always us. You don't have to be alone. The soundtrack to my life is just laughter and crying... something of a symphony. The last few months there has just been so much noise that I almost forgot how to listen. The world is so very loud...
But if I am quiet in the rolling fields, if I am attuned and receptive, if I am still... my natural state is laughter. Maybe now the issue is that I am not sad, but only missing a few things I need to find the silence. Right now I am listening to lyrically profound rap tunes and eating applesauce, dancing on my unmade bed and the wind is making this incredible and constant whooshing noise and there is nothing but a good thing, God's heartbeat pumping the alphabet through my fingertips. I wonder about a book I don't know how to write, but I just think and laugh and keep eating my applesauce, bobbing my head back and forth, letting the wind dance within me, think about the good vibes we give each other, think about the man who made me a most perfect breakfast, think about my family and flower seeds and harmful conversation and things that go bump in the night. Somewhere in the darkness, there is a monster under the bed just needing somebody to talk to. That's a whole book right there. All I'm saying, is that when you can't make time for yourself, it makes it impossible for you to be of any good use for anyone else. That's the only truth here. That, and that there is a lion in the wallpaper.
And now all the sad songs have sick beats and all the things we built together are on the floor spread out like fresh records and it's new and recycled and it didn't have to go anywhere: it just had to change. Things could not be the same but there was an element in there that we needed to find through one another. I'm not worried about moving forward with You because I see the gift even when I am upset. There has been this hardness on my heart, even when I realized I loved you... just because there had to be, because that was how it was going to be. But I think my heart has grown back, swollen into something more capable. I want to make sure you know I feel better...
Fight your own cause. Where's your truth?
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