Maybe I am just not cut out for this.

I don't think you were right. I think I love myself more than to put up with this level of all this.


Or maybe... just maybe... this lil shawty done grown right up.

We'll see.

Sensitivity.

Positives and negatives to every aspect of our selves, who we are in this world, the traits we offer, some lack. Sensitivity flows through me, push it to the side when I have things to get done, save all my vibes and feelings for a time when I feel a little indulgent, let all the feelings consume me.

Telling you there's something good about it all, able to pick up on someone else's problems without asking, not sure how to solve them but I'll listen to you without you talking, read your eyes, read the world, if I look you directly in your eyes, it's me, not you, that might explode. I just have problems, you know? When I get too close, I feel too much of you and that's what holds me back.

You know, I started listening to Drake's Take Care album on vinyl today (unnecessary... but it does sound freakin sick) and I was trying to do things and clean my room and for the first time in months, I stopped what I was doing to JUST listen to the music. And I wasn't thinking about work or things changing or missing anybody or being sad... I just listened to him spitting off his struggles and his love for his team and this insane passion and lyricism that regardless of how you feel about a person is undeniably impressive. What I love about this music is that there are actual words to this album and it kills me, breaks my heart... Then, thoughts start flowing about something I used to share with somebody who is still important to me, but I'm not sad about it. It's just like I feel like I really understand the other side somehow now, like I understand what Drake was saying, like we're talking over coffee, like it's okay to be miserable as long as you're being honest. I have listened to this album a million times and certain songs have hit me a million times, but for some reason when I put it in today, I got put in this really intense mental space. It got bigger than what I thought it was about before, bigger than what things meant to me before. Now it's words based on principle. Too alive. Feel me.

Questions I ask Google...

How do I become more attuned with the prophetic aspects of my mind?

Can I blame recent connections on the second dream catcher?

I've never had this problem before the last few months:

Cannot single out the thoughts I want to think due to the noisy thoughts leftover from work/worrying about the store.

Problem.

The answer is a joyful noise.

Tell me about a broken heart.

Not the last one, but maybe the one before it... or before that one. Maybe the first one. Or the worst one. Or the way she smelled after the goodbye following the first kiss. When was the last time you saw her? When did you decide she wasn't so important? When did you decide the blonde would be dumb? How to adults carry on with so much baggage when I forgot how to love after the only heartbreak? Let me be honest about the only truth there is: I don't know what I'm doing.

Forget about me, for a second, here. Let yourself face the window and tell me about the way you did the things we've done, and how it was different, but how there is still room in your heart to learn to love differently. Can this be done? We sing together, a song irrhythmic and lonesome, worried and hurried and precious and simply ours. This is the song we started singing, with no interest in a duet. But the more you sang about the broken heart, the more I wanted to be the one to mend it, the more I wanted to clip your wings, and teach you that you don't need anything but fresh air to fly.

I remember tight rope strings snapping and reminding me what I was after and I remember how sorry I was when the silence set in, but I also remember the love flowing through my circulatory system like lightning wondering how long I could feel so good and this is why we love: to light up and turn on the world.

feel me?

Horoscopes from prophet paul

Just because it's completely vague and could apply to most things does not mean I'm not amazed when it applies perfectly.....

"Aquarius: You don't need a reason to prove yourself. You'll do it just because you feel like it. You'll surprise yourself. You might find out that you can be strong without any of the things you thought were making you stronger." 

Interesting. Question to ask myself... what do I feel "[makes]" me strong?

and, also:

"Aquarius: Despite all you've experienced, you still will maintain the hope of the innocent and the faith of the uninitiated. You will see parts of life that are precious, wondrous, and beautiful."

Obviously.

Because I'm feeling so much better...

You're right: I look for things to be sad about.

Truth is, I think this is because for most of my life I did have a lot to be sad about. And when others could not bare their own sadnesses, I would absorb it and carry it for them. It was always someone's sadness to live in and work through. It was a choice. That's the gift. It is always ever only a choice we make to be the person who deals in these sadnesses (or anger, or what have yous). You can ask me anything... I've heard it before. This is my gift... my book of other people's sadnesses... open any page... I will read it to you without names. Somehow, we will get through this. It's always us. You don't have to be alone. The soundtrack to my life is just laughter and crying... something of a symphony. The last few months there has just been so much noise that I almost forgot how to listen. The world is so very loud...

But if I am quiet in the rolling fields, if I am attuned and receptive, if I am still... my natural state is laughter. Maybe now the issue is that I am not sad, but only missing a few things I need to find the silence. Right now I am listening to lyrically profound rap tunes and eating applesauce, dancing on my unmade bed and the wind is making this incredible and constant whooshing noise and there is nothing but a good thing, God's heartbeat pumping the alphabet through my fingertips. I wonder about a book I don't know how to write, but I just think and laugh and keep eating my applesauce, bobbing my head back and forth, letting the wind dance within me, think about the good vibes we give each other, think about the man who made me a most perfect breakfast, think about my family  and flower seeds and harmful conversation and things that go bump in the night. Somewhere in the darkness, there is a monster under the bed just needing somebody to talk to. That's a whole book right there. All I'm saying, is that when you can't make time for yourself, it makes it impossible for you to be of any good use for anyone else. That's the only truth here. That, and that there is a lion in the wallpaper.

And now all the sad songs have sick beats and all the things we built together are on the floor spread out like fresh records and it's new and recycled and it didn't have to go anywhere: it just had to change. Things could not be the same but there was an element in there that we needed to find through one another. I'm not worried about moving forward with You because I see the gift even when I am upset. There has been this hardness on my heart, even when I realized I loved you... just because there had to be, because that was how it was going to be. But I think my heart has grown back, swollen into something more capable. I want to make sure you know I feel better...

Fight your own cause. Where's your truth?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ca3hhFfFH-k

Why was it then that I felt better?

I'm not sure what it was, or why I feel so un-good right now, in this moment. But I went for a walk sitting still today, just syncing up my tears with the melody, trying so hard not to let God know I was crying. There's just something about lately that makes it real hard for me to know what to do with myself... I just keep trying to remind myself that it's not personal, that it isn't my fault... that it isn't anyone's fault. Somehow, though, I'm so sorry for not being able to fix it before it was this bad. Not that in general it's all bad...

Sometimes talking in circles is the only way I know how to walk a straight line again....