There is something about the panic and the body, the way the two merge and blend and how the panic swells the body, becomes a body, makes itself something grander than that which contains it. I want to explain how much it scared me, after years of the war against me and the me finally winning... I want to explain how this felt like the biggest failure of all, how I'm still not sure what it was or how I let it happen, how it came out of nothing, how it came and went and hurt so much even once it was over. I see now why people need someone else to talk to... I'm just not sure if it would help. The truth is, I don't know how to carry all of this weight on my own, and the truth is, my arms are getting so tired. I think I just was happy for so long that I forgot what it would be like when it began to creep on back in. I know there's a darkness within me I cannot and don't want to fight ... meditate with the darkness, let me radiate my light. Things aren't easy for me right now. I want you to know that when I say panic, I only mean it a little. I know it could have been worse. Just don't tell me you know how I feel, or that people understand, or that I'll be okay. Nobody knows how I'll be. I just need the silence, I just need a song, I just need the air. You know what I mean?