There's a black cat sitting on the sill of wide open windows in my San Jose home. My hair is in my signature messy bun and it's my day off, nowhere to be. There's a group of kids outside ringing their bicycle bells (no, seriously.) and Jerry's guitar is singing to me. I finished my unicorn puzzle this morning. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I feel wonderful.

It was a bizarre conversation between you and I, fumbling between business and curiosity, laughing and misery. I never know what to say to people when they ask me what I'm doing. I never know what I'm supposed to say when they ask what I've been up to. I'm always doing the same things. I brag about the little things because I don't have much else to say... a poem will be published and I don't know how to talk about it... I know it's significant but at the same time, it's not so much. But for me, it's something huge. Is that enough for me to talk about? Can I hold your attention with my small joys?

The truth is, what I'm up to is teaching myself to be happy.

I still laugh at all the wrong times. I'm not anxious anymore. I have enough money, always. I don't eat enough. I cry rarely. Something good is happening. I miss my sisters. I'm falling apart toward someone else, and it's beautiful. I don't have any cats. I don't know how to hold a conversation a lot of times because I've buried myself alive. I had a girl scout cookie for breakfast. My heart is full of something hopeful. The weather here is perfect every day... even when it rains.

I have changed. Not much, but I have. I want you to know that I answered the phone this time not to help you or give you some pointers or anything. I answered the phone because I prefer to say yes, because I think it's time. I know there is a sadness in all of this. But there's something valuable in old friends and old anything... maybe for you, the depths of me that destroyed us are all you know to look to when you need saving. Just an idea.

There's something about how good this day is that reminds me why all of our miseries happened. Heartbreak is productive. Launching forward, straight into sunlight.