Help! I'm a rock.

To the untrained eye, there is a sameness in someone who is openly emotional and somebody who is able to talk about their emotions openly. I'm only the former. Terribly overwhelmingly afraid of letting people take care of me, outrageously anxious about "letting people in" (a phrase which I understand, but also can never understand), openly uncomfortable with sharing myself in a deep way.

I'm a joke, I think.

I feel the connection forming in my bones, under my skin, in the stars and I pull back, desperately. I worry about judgment and tears and unnecessary conversations about how somebody or something hurts me. "I don't belong to anyone, my heart's as heavy as an oil drum." I sing this to myself over and over again, even when I thought I was yours, even though I hope to become yours, someday. It's just the same old thing 1000 times though. Stupid and stubborn and self critical and I don't know how to make myself just be kind to myself. I don't know how to let somebody just love on me and I don't know how to let somebody know that this is something I need. I'm a mess, I guess. I'm a mess, definitely.

The truth is, I wish I could do something about it and feel all those things normal girls feel and be obsessed with the idea of togetherness and happiness but it just makes me feel anxious, makes me feel like I'm going to drown in discomfort and I'm going to disappoint everyone. Yes, you are different. You do something different. They always do. But I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what this is.

All of this being said, I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to be telling people. I don't ever know which moments are moments of opportunity to "let" somebody "in." I know that I wish I knew what it meant. I wish I knew why I still get that urge at 2 am when I'm all alone and I know it'd be months before anyone would find out and I'm crying while I write this because I don't know that anyone would know what I'm talking about. And that's my fault.