This time last year...

This is when these kinds of things start... I go back and reread all my journals from the end of the last year, think about how drastically similar one December seems from the last... everything between is what was so wild. Today, I did that. I looked back. I looked back and I didn't miss any of it, not for a second. I realize how much bigger I am now, how much more on my own I am. It's all so good. Let me get to the point.

Last year on Christmas night, I drove for hours in the random Georgia snow just to see Bryan. It was some kind of romantic feeling I had to follow, that we both needed... just to see each other on Christmas since we were actually in the same state. THE ONE TIME it snows on Christmas in Georgia! Another obstacle, another challenge, another chance to prove to the universe and anyone watching that nothing could stand in our way. I think when I finally got there, we just watched Real World and hung out. Nothing spectacular. But it was, somehow. I gave him Tom Waits Rain Dogs on vinyl... it was, to this day, I think, the most intense gift I've ever given someone. I can't tell you why. I can only tell you. Something about that drive, about that panic, about the worry and fear of driving through pitch black whiteness and coming to a version of home was a feeling I will never try to forget, would never want to. Thinking back on it, I'm proud to have this memory, to remember that at that moment in time, there was a grand us worth chasing. The last few days of my Georgia life were scary and confusing in some ways, but I remember after Christmas night, I felt really secure in taking that really long drive with Bryan across the US.

The thing is, when I started talking to Bryan, I didn't expect two years. I didn't expect anything. I just tried to let it happen. I just tried to hold fast to the love that I was feeling and not expect things would go some way or another. And then I ended up here in California and it was so good for a while--- actually we worried because we didn't fight for literal months. And then, I don't know... I moved and made choices and it was just over in the silence. And it was okay, too. Because with each great love, comes a new way of learning to love. I wouldn't change anything...

Where I am right now, reflecting back on the last year is difficult as he is such a big part of it, but I have to look at my own life and my own self in this moment... because even if he was by my side for the better part of it, I still did it on my own. And none of this because I graduated college or moved away from home or happen to be in the right place at the right time--- but because of who I am. Looking back on last December, and all that I faced both with Bryan and on my own in between, I'm amazed, actually, that I am where I am. Recent events, I think, have really set me free, allowed me to remember that I don't need to do anything, impress anyone, live up to anything because who I am essentially is enough for what I'm meant for, whatever that is.

I'm not trying to be profound or make things mean anything... I'm just saying that I did everything I could for a love that wasn't supposed to last because it was all part of a perfect order... I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else. But I don't write for other people. I write because I know no other way, because when my brain is too full, I start losing my mind.

Anyway, bring it on, 2012. Show me what you've got.