Revolutions and Resolutions

Normally, I make new year resolutions on my birthday of each year, as that makes more sense to me, personally, since it’s still early in each year and gives me less pressure and I feel less cheesy, probably. I don’t know. Either way, last year, I made one goal. And totes rocked it. This year, I kind of want to make resolutions, as there is so much of 2011 I don’t want to live with anymore… things I don’t want to focus my energy on, small changes I can make that I think will help me use my energies more effectively in the year to come.

Another turn around the sun...

2012.
1. Eat More. Eat significantly more often. Stop forgetting meals. Stop eating in my car. Start eating breakfast… and not just for dinner.
2. Put together one puzzle a month. Brain power, kiddos.
3. Learn one song a month on my beautiful Adeline. Try to actually understand how to play guitar.
4. Be stronger and more confident at work. This has been an ongoing goal of mine since beginning my position at the Santana Row store but I don’t want to lose sight of what a HUGE part of my life Jest Jewels is and how completely vital it is to have goals based around it. I always want to be growing and learning and utilizing this ridiculously incredible opportunity. I want to help promote positive energy every day and I think working in retail is a true gift, as I have so many chances to interact with strangers and the dear coworkers I am blessed to call my friends.
5. Answer more phone calls. Make more phone calls. Stop being so afraid of the world.
6. More rock climbing. More physical activity that can also be social activity. Rock climbing is my favorite of these, but roller skating is another option… or going for walks. Hah!
7. Write 500 words a day, at least 5 days a week. I am, whether I want to believe it or not, a writer to the core. In my heart of hearts, I would love to be able to express myself more consistently and on a larger scale and I need to stop being such a terrified punk. I want to have at least a handful of new poems written by the end of 2012. If the world does end, I want to know that I at least gave something to it. I don’t need to be remembered, but I need to know I didn’t sleep inside my shell. Would like to have a chapbook, but know that’s insane.
8. Stop apologizing for everything.
9. Find a band I actually love and can be passionate about locally. I misssssss going to shows! I miss that aspect of my life being so immense. Easily achieved.
10. Again, don’t look back. Don’t let the world tell me I’m not allowed to do whatever the heck I want to do. Remember that if you ever wake up in the morning and you’re not exactly where you want to be, stop whatever you’re doing and get there. Let the divinity in your heart speak to you, guide you, move you to where you need to be. Don’t be afraid to move forward, even if nobody else will be running after you. Say Yes. And as cheesy and important as it’s always been--- follow your heart; that’s the only thing that’s real.
That’s it. For now.

Today is a day of beauty, the anniversary of one of the most important days of my life. I am endlessly grateful for the opportunity to have had such a grand adventure and aware of my blessings today, even more than any other day. I can't possibly have created a more incredible life for my own self, and I could not ask for more.

Thank you, Georgia, for raising me. And thank you, California, for taking me in.

No turning back.

I've really got to clean my room. Like... right now.

I'm sitting on my bed, still in the same clothes I wore to work (including my boots... wtf?), after over 4 hours of making Swedish meatballs to bring to work (for fun) tomorrow. I put together the gifts for my girls, listened to Head and the Heart pandora, and rolled, rolled, rolled those meatballs. Something about how simple this was caused me to just crack up alone in my kitchen. This is becoming more frequent in my life- this absurd happy laughter in the middle of nothingness. It's a really good feeling.

My roommate and her friend joined me in the kitchen and baked cookies (from scratch cooking is super common in our happy home) -- something about this is all I ever wanted from California, all I ever needed.

When 2011 happened, my only "resolution" was more of a goal... and this was to not look back, to not turn around - in the sense of not returning to Georgia and also not returning to whoever I was before. I needed to go away for real and become this girl, the one I am now, the one I am so happy to be. I live in a beautiful old Victorian with a real backyard. A cat lives here. My sofa bed was delivered today... we have curtains now and two mini Christmas trees. Something about this is more ideal than I could have created for myself in my mind. I feel like even if I don't have a million people to spend time with and I'm not writing for a living and I'm not doing all these things I might have planned for myself, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing, and I'm doing it because I want to.

That's pretty cool.

Sleepy Mix

This is the list of songs on my sleepy mix. Obvies, I listen to it at night on lowest volume and let it just sing me to sleep.

1. Our House - Crosby, Still, Nash, & Young
2. It's All In Your Mind - Beck
3. Fade into Me - Mazzy Star
4. Unknown Legend - Neil Young
5. Suzanne - Leonard Cohen
6. toolong - Devin O Guin
7. '81 - Joanna Newsom
8. Blood Bank - Bon Iver
9 & 10 - Have you Forgotten? Red House Painters - Vanilla Sky & Regular Acoustic-y version
11. Take it with Me - Tom Waits

I think in 2012, I will delete this entire thing and start listening to an entirely new list. Cliche and boring as it is, I need something else now.

Do you know what I mean?

This time last year...

This is when these kinds of things start... I go back and reread all my journals from the end of the last year, think about how drastically similar one December seems from the last... everything between is what was so wild. Today, I did that. I looked back. I looked back and I didn't miss any of it, not for a second. I realize how much bigger I am now, how much more on my own I am. It's all so good. Let me get to the point.

Last year on Christmas night, I drove for hours in the random Georgia snow just to see Bryan. It was some kind of romantic feeling I had to follow, that we both needed... just to see each other on Christmas since we were actually in the same state. THE ONE TIME it snows on Christmas in Georgia! Another obstacle, another challenge, another chance to prove to the universe and anyone watching that nothing could stand in our way. I think when I finally got there, we just watched Real World and hung out. Nothing spectacular. But it was, somehow. I gave him Tom Waits Rain Dogs on vinyl... it was, to this day, I think, the most intense gift I've ever given someone. I can't tell you why. I can only tell you. Something about that drive, about that panic, about the worry and fear of driving through pitch black whiteness and coming to a version of home was a feeling I will never try to forget, would never want to. Thinking back on it, I'm proud to have this memory, to remember that at that moment in time, there was a grand us worth chasing. The last few days of my Georgia life were scary and confusing in some ways, but I remember after Christmas night, I felt really secure in taking that really long drive with Bryan across the US.

The thing is, when I started talking to Bryan, I didn't expect two years. I didn't expect anything. I just tried to let it happen. I just tried to hold fast to the love that I was feeling and not expect things would go some way or another. And then I ended up here in California and it was so good for a while--- actually we worried because we didn't fight for literal months. And then, I don't know... I moved and made choices and it was just over in the silence. And it was okay, too. Because with each great love, comes a new way of learning to love. I wouldn't change anything...

Where I am right now, reflecting back on the last year is difficult as he is such a big part of it, but I have to look at my own life and my own self in this moment... because even if he was by my side for the better part of it, I still did it on my own. And none of this because I graduated college or moved away from home or happen to be in the right place at the right time--- but because of who I am. Looking back on last December, and all that I faced both with Bryan and on my own in between, I'm amazed, actually, that I am where I am. Recent events, I think, have really set me free, allowed me to remember that I don't need to do anything, impress anyone, live up to anything because who I am essentially is enough for what I'm meant for, whatever that is.

I'm not trying to be profound or make things mean anything... I'm just saying that I did everything I could for a love that wasn't supposed to last because it was all part of a perfect order... I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else. But I don't write for other people. I write because I know no other way, because when my brain is too full, I start losing my mind.

Anyway, bring it on, 2012. Show me what you've got.

Today did hurt.

But I feel better.

Life's too short to even care at all..

The truth is, well. I don't know what the truth is. All I know is that I need to stop apologizing so much for doing what I want- stop apologizing for doing the right thing, saying the right thing, trying new things, or following my heart. I need to stop apologizing for being considerate or for being selfish or for being too critical. I've spent my whole life apologizing for being who I am, even though I don't actually in my heart of hearts care if anybody understands who that is.

My body folded open against the wall and the heater, sprawled out pathetically because I knew what I was about to know, I was out of everything. I'm not in this anymore. With too much food in my stomach and nothing left in my heart, all I could give you were tears. There is so sadness. I just can't fall apart with you anymore. I need to do it on my own.