I cry a lot when I write, too.

I try not to cry in the car considering it's probably more dangerous to drive with cloudy eyes in an overly emotional state than just normal, regular driving. However, I find myself crying in my car more than anywhere else. Just now, taking the long way home from the laundromat across the street, I put in some random blank cd and skipped until I found a tune that might move me. And then those stupid lyrics that caused a stupid fight and showed me how stupid I was a million times over... just hearing them and being alone and knowing that this pattern's got to stop real soon... I just started crying. I hate the way I feel sometimes.

"Please tell me you need me."

I've never wanted to hold onto somebody this way before. I don't even really want to now. I don't know how to separate what we had from what we have, where the friendship line goes or what I want. I just want to be able to listen to this song and know it's not true anymore. I just want to be able to listen to songs and not be able to feel exact moments all over again sometimes- hah! The blessing and curse of a really fucking great song. I don't mean just with you, but with all of you... all the songs I can think of and be back in that place. Right now, I'm being a drama queen though, and I need to pretend that I hate all of these songs that remind me.

I know it's already gone, and I don't want it back. I think it's more than this, more like: I wish I knew how to gravitate romantically towards somebody who will really love me, and not just what I stand for in their lives. When I hear this song, I realize I did need you. But I don't need you this way anymore. I don't know how I could lose you, either, though. Do you know what I mean?

Plain and simple, and as usual, I have no clue what I'm doing.