Sometimes, meeting new people causes me to feel terribly depressed.

All the Words I've Never Understood...

Would like to clean up my room, Mary Poppins Style, right now. A wiggly nose and a nod and everything in its place--- plus curtains. Kind of seriously wishing I had a bed, but also kind of seriously knowing it's not as important to me as it should be and I know I will buy fabric for my abandoned wooden frame before I buy a bed. A mattress, maybe. A bed... doubtful.

Instead, I'm playing the same 4 songs on repeat and reading Lolita. Bam.

And here the freedom has been officiated, granted: do whatever you want.

When I use the word "do," I mean not only activate, a physical going... I mean the whole thing. I mean do think and do feel and do allow all of those things you have restricted of self or others in relation to you.

Even with you, I feel the freedoms between myself and everything else right now. It's just like before, though, that the freedom grants my happiness but doesn't mean anything's changed. I worry sometimes so much about what will happen when it does. Will this have ended yet?

I can't explain what I mean, only that I mean it with all my heart.

I worry every day over a million things but I never worry about the world ending.

Inspired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MoCfC68WV8

Whenever the book I write becomes, it will be because of this song.

Still working on figuring out a man voice, how to write like a dude.

Stay tuned.

All you have to do is remember to look up!

I cry a lot when I write, too.

I try not to cry in the car considering it's probably more dangerous to drive with cloudy eyes in an overly emotional state than just normal, regular driving. However, I find myself crying in my car more than anywhere else. Just now, taking the long way home from the laundromat across the street, I put in some random blank cd and skipped until I found a tune that might move me. And then those stupid lyrics that caused a stupid fight and showed me how stupid I was a million times over... just hearing them and being alone and knowing that this pattern's got to stop real soon... I just started crying. I hate the way I feel sometimes.

"Please tell me you need me."

I've never wanted to hold onto somebody this way before. I don't even really want to now. I don't know how to separate what we had from what we have, where the friendship line goes or what I want. I just want to be able to listen to this song and know it's not true anymore. I just want to be able to listen to songs and not be able to feel exact moments all over again sometimes- hah! The blessing and curse of a really fucking great song. I don't mean just with you, but with all of you... all the songs I can think of and be back in that place. Right now, I'm being a drama queen though, and I need to pretend that I hate all of these songs that remind me.

I know it's already gone, and I don't want it back. I think it's more than this, more like: I wish I knew how to gravitate romantically towards somebody who will really love me, and not just what I stand for in their lives. When I hear this song, I realize I did need you. But I don't need you this way anymore. I don't know how I could lose you, either, though. Do you know what I mean?

Plain and simple, and as usual, I have no clue what I'm doing.

yada yada good time blah blah

What a marvelous weekend of awakening and rebirth!

I think an epic portion of what makes the world such a miraculous place is that it is different every single moment of every day- nothing is ever the same as we remember it, just exactly- and even if it seems that way, we are never the same moment to moment: new skin and new air in our lungs, new freckles, wrinkles, whatever age mark you may be blessed with. Specifically to this weekend, a dear old friend of mine and his closest friend came to visit California, and allowed me to be included in their journey by staying at my apartment! Lucky me! :) What I realized as we went to breakfast and sat in my living room and walked to the car and shuffled through Campbell is how everything felt like this was it- the first time! I'd never been here before in THIS way, with these people, having these conversations or watching these clouds roll by. Nothing more amazing to me than simple and effortless human connection. Something of a miracle, this life. Something even larger is how lucky we are to have anybody to share it with, to share us with.

I listened as the boys entertained me with their goals, their dreams, all that they know they are chasing and guarantee to get. All I could do was feel so excited to be interacting with anyone so impassioned as desperate for that completely consuming chaos that I live for. So good to be around such energy. After such a sad goodbye-or see ya later- I ended up having THE best two days of work, just flooded with so many good feelings with my Girls and happiness to be the person I am in this world, doing whatever the hell it is that I do every day.

Let the good times roll.

I don't always like myself. But I really freakin love my life.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times:

Laundry Day.

drft.

I just wonder who taught you how to love, and who it was that forgot to tell you that this part, this doesn't work, is the difference between a puzzle and a mess, is the moment between a gently worn heart and a broken neck. I just wonder who it was that taught you that this part is okay, that this is how to handle those who let you love them, after you're done.

And I remember who it was that taught me that this is how to take it, that this is how to keep saying yes even if it makes your face cringe, get all ugly with wrinkles, a foreshadowing of what's to come years down the line when you will have said yes to one thousand too many, when you will be waking alone in a bed alone, wishing somebody in the world would keep you up with his snoring, or mumbling, whatever noise keeps him from being the perfect man, but keeps him yours.

I remember when you taught me how to cry myself to sleep, reminded me I deserved it. I remember who it was that taught me how to love, and I remember you, whispering sweet "you're nothings," reminding me that if given the chance, only take.