I wonder if it's normal to feel okay with just not doing a whole lot.

When someone asks me what I'm doing, whether they mean specifically later on with the intention that maybe we should perhaps do something or nothing but either way together or even just alone all by myself or if they mean on a grander scale in terms of life plans, I want to say that this is my least favorite question, because I'm just doing it. I don't know what that even means, or how anyone came up with this question... why do I have to have intentions for all the moments of my life? Am I going to be a better person if I respond with a detailed agenda or my exact five year plan? That's not who I am. I think it's OKAY to be that person, obviously. But I can't live that way.

Let's get one thing straight here: I want to do things. I do do things. I do things all the time. Right now I am listening to Ryan Adams while listening to passing cars and wind sounds, understanding the light in the corner of my eye, typing, also listening to the slapping keys because I'm aware I am currently typing fast... I'm spell checkin', wondering why you haven't answered my text, praying consciously about the house I want to live in, worrying about the mess all over my floor that my employees will see tomorrow... whatever. I'm also breathing while I do these things. Somehow. Beating, moving, motioning, whether I like it or not. Why isn't this enough? Why do I have to be doing things? The truth is, there are things I want to do. But I don't want to talk about them and I don't want to make it my whole life to head toward a huge big disappointment. Another truth of my life is that I don't feel I have a career path or that I want to ever be married or be a mother or any of those traditional style goals... so when people ask me what I'm DOING, I want to tell them they wouldn't be interested, that they wouldn't understand... that I'm not sure they would believe me if I gave them my truth. I just want to feel like I'm staying true to my own self, not the self anyone else would necessary ask of me.

What do I want? I just want to be there with you when the world cracks.