I happily welcome October! Though I had bigger plans for this morning, I pleasantly hung out with new Ryan Adams music tapping my feet and laying on my bed. What I wanted doesn't matter so much now... what I had planned for my life doesn't exist today. What is happening is that I'm alone in my room with just this music and the sound of wind, the big white walls, and the oxygen to fill my lungs. And, of course, the mess on the floor.

This has always been my favorite month. Partially because Kristyn's birthday is in October and partially because everything good happens this month... the pumpkins and best weather, scarves and shorts worn at the same time, new music from country-alt singers. Fabulous. Normally, I am surrounded by lots of people doing so many activities... but this year that might not be so much the case. But what is happening is that I am breathing, creating, regenerating, and relearning how to be unstoppable. Relearning my own miracle of being.

I've been doing a lot of crying-myself-to-sleep mixed with praying-myself-to-sleep lately... a combination which isn't the most glamorous... but it helps me empty all of this out before I sleep. So I can really rest, I think. That was last night. And now it's this morning. And I don't feel like crying. Waking up wasn't hard. I'm not in the mood for a panic attack or a headache. I just feel like doing what I'm doing, listening to Ryan Adams and writing in my blog. Knowing that Kristyn will read it. Knowing that not many other people do. But that's all. Today I woke up and remembered myself. I have no real intentions for the rest of the month--- only to remind myself that I am loved, that I can love, and that I don't have to be afraid of the world just because I'm in it alone.

I woke up this morning finally ready to be myself again. I can't tell anyone what this means, but I think I know for myself.

All I know is that my name is Kate Gervais. All I know how to do is try.