Since I moved to California, I feel as if I have been a mix of endlessly exhausted and excessively grateful. I love being here, love it! But so often I find myself not having a moment to think... going from 7 days a week to this job which I always have something to take care of on my day off, too. I have been a crappy friend since moving to San Jose because I keep buying cards and not sending them, wanting to answer the texts I get while working but forgetting about them from being so tired, wanting to just be able to be a friend and I feel myself failing. But this is growing up. That's not an excuse; it's a tragedy. I am happy to be here. So happy. I love my job and I can't believe how fortunate I am sometimes. And then I wonder how much time will pass before I feel at home, before I feel adjusted, before I can give directions in California and make friends and do anything other than work and take an hours stroll around Target, where I don't have service, so I can ignore all the calls for just a moment, and just be by myself, around a bunch of other people.
I wonder, too, how much time has to pass before I stop wanting to text you every morning... before you're my first or even second thought. I wonder when I want it all to be. I feel like I've never been through something like this before. I just don't know really. I feel so nervous lately. I feel relief, but also sadness.
But, as always, this too shall pass...
No comments:
Post a Comment