And I can't stand to see you be a bad man...

The days pass and I feel the loneliness swell. Hold: I do not mean this tragically, only truthfully. When I say loneliness, I mean Joni-lonely, profound loneliness, a moment removed from reality, watching watching watching myself critically and chaotically. Where have I gone in this picture? Here and not always... poetic loneliness. And I am grateful.

When I wake up, I miss Bryan. I want to tell him, first thing, that I miss him. But then I take a moment to pray, to ask for healing, to ask for some kind of timeline. And then I get out of my bed and brush my teeth and feel the quiet speak to me, feel it press my shoulders together to remind me that it's not supposed to be fair, and I don't get the answers before finishing the test, all the millions of mixed metaphors and connections and allusions that help me get through the day. I move around, turn my records on, brush my hair (sometimes), and do my damn thing. I watch the sky while rolling through traffic and keep considering, keep thinking, keep hoping, and then taking most of it back. All we can do is... do stuff, I guess. I wake up and I do things and I remember how easy this is for you and I just tell myself that for the first time ever I am heartbroken from romantic love in a very real, adult, and miserable way and that there is no shame in this truth. God bless me for knowing it's okay to feel miserable, for as long as it takes. I'm okay, really. The only outlet I really have in this department are this blog and my stuffed animals. Hah! Anyway... I'm still alive. Isn't that the real point of this? Maybe?

I drove into the seemingly perpetual California sunset the other day after work to see Colour Revolt perform, and I went, like I do, on my own. I took the drive and I stood there and I danced and I sang out and all of this alone. And in the middle of A New Family, I started laughing aloud. Because I am completely alone! Can you believe that? It's not a sad thing and it's not a forever thing. But for now, I pay my own bills and live on my own and do my own thing without any nearby friends or family or loved ones except for those (beautiful, amazing girls) I work with. I was at this concert alone! It's ridiculous! So alone! And okay. Really okay. Would I prefer to be alone the way I am? Not a freaking chance... it's misery! But I take a lot of joy in this and I'm really proud of myself for being able to embrace my sadness without drowning in it. I really do think I've grown up.

What a strange world this is...