All these things you seek... your opportunities are flooding your days. Who are you not to take them?

All I'm saying is if you're looking for balance, all you had to do was say hello.

So much beauty in every inch.

...That's all.

Adventures along the Coast...

Speaking of today, one of my work girls and I drove down to Monterey to visit the aquarium! So cool. There was so much to see and I think we only walked for like a mile outside the aquarium. Something so incredible about the Pacific... completely breathtaking every time. I love the west coast in a very real way. It was nice to get out and go away and turn off my phone.

Some highlights include...

an unreal amount of sea lions... had to be hundreds. super stank though.

so scary! a real wave...

19,000 sardines in the great white shark tank.

jellies

Lil Cosmo, my homie.

Randos from Santa Cruz.

No matter how many times I just walk along the beach encrusted sidewalks of Santa Cruz and go see the barking sea lions, I never get tired of this place. I want to explore and explore and explore it, take the sidewalks further... splash my feet in the Pacific. It's just a place I feel comfortable and alive and happy and there's so much to do without having to do anything. Maybe someday I'll be rich and can live here for a summer, like I dreamed last year.

These are just some pics from when I took Cara-Judy. I'm trying to step back from facebook... the creepy factor is out of control. So here I am with a classic pica-post. Hah!

Sea Lion

friendship.

"I thought you would like them because they're rainbow colors."

My feel-better flowers from Aundrea at work.

:)

Now that I've said what I meant, I'm moving on.

And I can't stand to see you be a bad man...

The days pass and I feel the loneliness swell. Hold: I do not mean this tragically, only truthfully. When I say loneliness, I mean Joni-lonely, profound loneliness, a moment removed from reality, watching watching watching myself critically and chaotically. Where have I gone in this picture? Here and not always... poetic loneliness. And I am grateful.

When I wake up, I miss Bryan. I want to tell him, first thing, that I miss him. But then I take a moment to pray, to ask for healing, to ask for some kind of timeline. And then I get out of my bed and brush my teeth and feel the quiet speak to me, feel it press my shoulders together to remind me that it's not supposed to be fair, and I don't get the answers before finishing the test, all the millions of mixed metaphors and connections and allusions that help me get through the day. I move around, turn my records on, brush my hair (sometimes), and do my damn thing. I watch the sky while rolling through traffic and keep considering, keep thinking, keep hoping, and then taking most of it back. All we can do is... do stuff, I guess. I wake up and I do things and I remember how easy this is for you and I just tell myself that for the first time ever I am heartbroken from romantic love in a very real, adult, and miserable way and that there is no shame in this truth. God bless me for knowing it's okay to feel miserable, for as long as it takes. I'm okay, really. The only outlet I really have in this department are this blog and my stuffed animals. Hah! Anyway... I'm still alive. Isn't that the real point of this? Maybe?

I drove into the seemingly perpetual California sunset the other day after work to see Colour Revolt perform, and I went, like I do, on my own. I took the drive and I stood there and I danced and I sang out and all of this alone. And in the middle of A New Family, I started laughing aloud. Because I am completely alone! Can you believe that? It's not a sad thing and it's not a forever thing. But for now, I pay my own bills and live on my own and do my own thing without any nearby friends or family or loved ones except for those (beautiful, amazing girls) I work with. I was at this concert alone! It's ridiculous! So alone! And okay. Really okay. Would I prefer to be alone the way I am? Not a freaking chance... it's misery! But I take a lot of joy in this and I'm really proud of myself for being able to embrace my sadness without drowning in it. I really do think I've grown up.

What a strange world this is...

"If you forget my love,

I'll try to remind you.

I'll stay by you,

when it don't come easy."

Maybe waking up isn't easy either...

Since I moved to California, I feel as if I have been a mix of endlessly exhausted and excessively grateful. I love being here, love it! But so often I find myself not having a moment to think... going from 7 days a week to this job which I always have something to take care of on my day off, too. I have been a crappy friend since moving to San Jose because I keep buying cards and not sending them, wanting to answer the texts I get while working but forgetting about them from being so tired, wanting to just be able to be a friend and I feel myself failing. But this is growing up. That's not an excuse; it's a tragedy. I am happy to be here. So happy. I love my job and I can't believe how fortunate I am sometimes. And then I wonder how much time will pass before I feel at home, before I feel adjusted, before I can give directions in California and make friends and do anything other than work and take an hours stroll around Target, where I don't have service, so I can ignore all the calls for just a moment, and just be by myself, around a bunch of other people.

I wonder, too, how much time has to pass before I stop wanting to text you every morning... before you're my first or even second thought. I wonder when I want it all to be. I feel like I've never been through something like this before. I just don't know really. I feel so nervous lately. I feel relief, but also sadness.

But, as always, this too shall pass...

Cuz' breaking up is hard to do...

The hardest part about this is that it was right... that neither of us are mad and that we both knew the time had come. But we're still not done somehow, too... just that I'm not ready to not kiss you next time I see you or to not see you again for an undefined time period. I know that this is what has to happen.... the silence told us everything. It just feels unfair, so sudden, though it's been happening for months, I guess. The hardest part of knowing is that this is still a process, a slow unraveling. There's nothing to do but be patient, and calm, and remember that this is the best thing.

Why is being a grown up such a pain in the butt?