"You know, I probably did meet somebody like that. I probably wasn't paying attention."

When I met you, I started paying attention. Saying that out loud changed my life, and maybe it has been changing other lives too that aren't just mine, people who are close to me and they are close to other people and you are helping in ways you don't know because you don't know them yet. I wonder about what he said to me, that the next boy would be the one I marry, and now that that boy is you, is that still something he believes and what does it say about me that i want his opinion founded in nothing but a gut feeling to be so true? I remember how you stood and you were like a tree and you were so beautiful in a really masculine way and when you showed me pictures of your cats I couldn't believe how I already knew you were going to be mine, even though for weeks and then maybe even a few months, I convinced both of us that wasn't going to be true. How can we be so different inside ourselves at the same time? How can olivia wilde's bra size be a 32B? How am I living in a world where I can find that out?

Why would we give this away?

And, at the same time, what am I supposed to do to make sure I hold on?

Hard sometimes to be able to understand whether I am sad for the inherit sadness of a sad thing or sad because I have, again, of course, failed. Feeling confused more than ever, feeling like I don't understand why I can't make anyone stay, feeling the most sad because I couldn't make you stay. Or maybe I can. I know it's not over yet, but everything leading up to this feels just as bad as everything else.

I guess I just don't know what else I can do.