I will never get tired of you...

Since we're not talking right now, let me talk it here. And since I know you won't read this, let me be as honest as possible. I'm not sure what will happen if anything does and tomorrow might not come. But I know I can't handle not speaking to you even if it was my decision. So, hey.

I could fall in love with a rock if I knew it loved something deeply enough. That is how I am, with people, with God, with all things. With you, it was the first time I didn't know immediately. But I knew the second time. I knew that it would be you, maybe for the rest of forever. I remember the first time I met you, I felt like I'd finally met my match. I didn't know yet what that meant or where that would take me and I wasn't ready yet to know exactly what you would be. I just knew that I wanted to spend a lot more time figuring it out. I wanted to figure you out. But I was still sad. And that's okay. And I think that it was best this way. It, after all , is the only possibility. You know what I mean? There have been times throughout that I would still be sad but not about losing one romance to indifference or anything like that, but the awareness of my willingness to let patterns repeat. And knowing if I'd screwed up enough before, I had to make this okay this time. I guess I feel like I've never tried so hard before you.

Something not of the eyes but in them, yours were the first of your color that I've ever really loved. Deep brown like the coffee running through your Colombian blood, hot when you look at anything, but soft when you look to me. I don't know if that matters. It's just one of the things that stands out the most. That, and the lack of conflict, the ability to work out anything, the ability to just figure things out together without much fuss. "You're really easy to love." This is the mantra of us, or maybe just mine for you. Between all of the activities and brunches and car rides and music notes, my favorite thing is waking up slowly and hearing you snore, knowing between blankets, it's just you and me, peaceful in the quiet. But the trouble is, I grow tired of wanting something I know I may never see, a side of you I wouldn't know how to access if somebody gave me a map. There's something in me begging you for it. I guess I just figured that by now, I would at least be certain that it's really there, or really certain that it could be something you'll give me someday. I don't know...

But all I know is that when I said forever, for now, that is what I meant. I know nothing lasts forever. But I'm trying to love like it will with that awareness that all things as they were created are able to disintegrate back into other kinds of energy. And if you want forever to be longer than for now, I'm willing to be with you there, too.

It's hard to miss you and not say anything. I hope you had a nice day. I hope you're feeling okay. I love you.