Christmas.

Truth be told, I don't remember what it was like loving you. Be that a blessing or a tragedy, I'm still uncertain. But what I do know is that sometimes, all we want is a specific "I'm sorry," one that can simply explain the pain, even if there's nothing we can do to take it away, erase me. Between us, it was the first after the end, the one that said in plain verse, directly and earnestly, "I'm sorry I couldn't appreciate you." A broken heart waited two years for words so clean. It made everything okay. And I'm sorry for bad words and madness, post-split poison and missing pieces, for not knowing how to forgive myself for you. We all hurt a little sometimes, and you were right, and I was always asking for it. There will always be a softness in my heart for you when I say your name, and for that I'm sorry I never knew quite how to love you. I miss your dad's laugh and your taste in music, the little sounds of unconditional patience and underrated experience. But in all of these shifting days, I don't know what else to do but raise up my hands to the sky and thank God we made it here.

I like the songs written in broken chords better, the ones with the choruses that just repeat a single name, that just cry out into the universe a chance for forgiveness.

I named this post Christmas because that is when I originally wrote this, and it's funny how much longer after the feelings actually caught up with the words, really. There is a season, turn, turn, turn. <3