May God's Love Be With You

And it's still just me and You, ain't it? Quiet in the dark with salt water and something not quite sadness but something equally soft, equally comforting... It's really the same thing, same as when I like a song and I just leave it on repeat for a few hours, sometimes a whole year at a time. For so long it was that one, the one that reminded me on a nightly basis that as much love as I was capable of giving, I had yet to learn how to love myself. All that bullshit about having to love you before you can love somebody else... well, I always saw it as I just had to be able to Love, maybe Love You, but I never have forgotten, there was nothing to remember. There is only this darkness in this moment that reminds me that I don't know what I'm doing, that even if I know what I want and even if I know how to get it, I might not be able to find a person to go after it with, that even when I think I do, like I always think I do, maybe I just don't know, maybe nobody I can meet will be ready for that something with me. You know, I heard this one on a tv show, some episode about a funeral and it made me cry then even though I wasn't watching the actual episode... all I know is when I hear somebody sing like this, I believe in something so much that I'm still not sure of. I ramble a lot because after 23 years, I still haven't figured out how to say what I mean, even after hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of words, miles, tears, books, photos, people. None of it is quite the same as what I see when other people talk. Is that light in your eye or just a splinter? I think part of it is that there's always this noise, and this silence that I am so desperate for, and this person that won't sit with me in the silence yet, and this need to make people sit in that with me, and this pain that comes with knowing how much I could hurt you with it.

We never talked about that again.

I don't know why, but it bothers me that you never asked...