It's so awkward writing entries like I have been feeling lately... like "this is what I did today; it was awesome, blah blah bleeeech." But. That's what I've been feeling. If you know me... at all... maybe you have noticed that my number one habit is prefacing EVERY.THING.I.SAY. Obnoxious, but so it goes.

Bryan, Matt, and I have been going to this Open Mic night in SF every Monday for about a month now (I've officially lived here over a month... so weiiiiird) and Bryan plays excellent tunes and Matt sometimes reads poetry and we listen to really vulgar comedians (which I really dislike) and have chats with new pseudo-friends on the walks back to BART. It's a cool time and something I like going to a lot even if I don't really love many of the performances. I find it really inspiring to see other people put their creative-selves out there so openly because sharing my art is really challenging to me. This Monday night I decided to read 3 poems... the whole time I was shaking but it went pretty smoothly and made me want to be more prolific and write... anything new. Last time I read poetry at Alley Cat, BB actually missed most of it (though he's read a lot of my stuff before) so sharing that experience was really important to us I think, sort of connecting the creative aspects of our relationships and seeing how they can exist in the same arena. Idk.

Shifting from only-ever long distance with BB to regular dating has been more intense and less intense than I could possibly describe and it's an experience in which I can't fully articulate for myself. All I know is that it has been huge with huge adjustments. But so beautiful! Having him surprise me at work with a sugar free red bull and then driving around, Yogurtland, back to El Cerrito, hanging out, cooking dinner, being the only people ever to enjoy US SKINS (DEAL WITH IT.)... it's incredible how moved I am by such simple interactions with him. And today he shared just a really open, casual statement of gratitude toward my presence in his life and my role in our relationship and hearing that just really touched me. It is good to hear that you matter sometimes. I am glad things have gone down the way they have because even when we fight or things don't go the way we want or it's just all so hard to handle, I can still look at him and be amazed, blown away... just brillianced by the miracle of it all. He completely impresses me. I feel so in love still. And, for that, I am thankful.

I will try to start writing something more real but it's gotten hard to get real somehow. Not that this is in any way inauthentic or that I'm not being myself but just that I have more to say. Truth is, though, that at the end of the day, it's nice right now just to say what I spent the day doing. Idontknowifanyoneeveneverreadsthis. Point is, I had an awesome day and it feels so good just to say I'm doing well.