Lameness.

So my dad sent me some package, which probably contained all my mail from home since I've been in California and by the time it got to me, the package was ripped open and empty. The first things that cross my mind are: my identity is going to be stolen, mail from my dad is the most important/valuable mail I get, and who the heck steals mail? The thing is, nothing in that package was probably worth anything to anybody else in the world. It possibly contained my jury duty summons, junk mail, and possibly a whole bunch of aquarian horoscopes from the newspaper. It just makes me feel really lousy because, as happy as I am here, I don't have a lot of friends around and I don't have a lot of people who know me at all, so mail is one of the most important things to me. I don't know why but when I saw my dad's handwriting on the package, I started crying a lot. It's so incredible to be here and I'm doing really well and I'm really grateful for everything--- but it is so hard. Every single day I worry about my parents... and I feel so sad for not being able to not visit my mommy in the hospital, and I worry about my dad feeling alone. Somebody stealing my mail is not the worst possible thing that could ever have happened, obviously, but I just feel robbed and paranoid and miserable about it. Okay, complaining over. Xoxo.

I guess I should just get a p.o. box.

On the plus side, all this crying over spilled mail has made me realize how quality the new Maybelline Falsies mascara is. For non-waterproof, it's holding up extremely well. The little things...

Eat Like a Shoe Bird

http://likeashoebird.blogspot.com

This is my foodie blog. I want to start posting recipes of all the stuff I cook that is actually good... there's nothing on there yet but follow if you feel like it, so you can see once I do post it! Some recipes will be my own, some will belong to others with my edits, but all will be sourced. Holla.

For someone who is so good with encouraging others to express themselves, I continue having a hard time doing so within myself.

In other news, I just ate a banana. It was completely delicious. I would like to have a kitchen of my own where I could cook real food or at least heat up some soup. I know I am allowed to here, but it feels weird. Anyway, that banana was so good and I am still thinking about it. I like how so many fruits come in prepackaged safety containers... thick skin and prickly outsides. Such an incredible food.

Getting accepted to that conference as an independent scholar feels like the biggest accomplishment of my life.

Working my butt off to get nothing done.

It's so awkward writing entries like I have been feeling lately... like "this is what I did today; it was awesome, blah blah bleeeech." But. That's what I've been feeling. If you know me... at all... maybe you have noticed that my number one habit is prefacing EVERY.THING.I.SAY. Obnoxious, but so it goes.

Bryan, Matt, and I have been going to this Open Mic night in SF every Monday for about a month now (I've officially lived here over a month... so weiiiiird) and Bryan plays excellent tunes and Matt sometimes reads poetry and we listen to really vulgar comedians (which I really dislike) and have chats with new pseudo-friends on the walks back to BART. It's a cool time and something I like going to a lot even if I don't really love many of the performances. I find it really inspiring to see other people put their creative-selves out there so openly because sharing my art is really challenging to me. This Monday night I decided to read 3 poems... the whole time I was shaking but it went pretty smoothly and made me want to be more prolific and write... anything new. Last time I read poetry at Alley Cat, BB actually missed most of it (though he's read a lot of my stuff before) so sharing that experience was really important to us I think, sort of connecting the creative aspects of our relationships and seeing how they can exist in the same arena. Idk.

Shifting from only-ever long distance with BB to regular dating has been more intense and less intense than I could possibly describe and it's an experience in which I can't fully articulate for myself. All I know is that it has been huge with huge adjustments. But so beautiful! Having him surprise me at work with a sugar free red bull and then driving around, Yogurtland, back to El Cerrito, hanging out, cooking dinner, being the only people ever to enjoy US SKINS (DEAL WITH IT.)... it's incredible how moved I am by such simple interactions with him. And today he shared just a really open, casual statement of gratitude toward my presence in his life and my role in our relationship and hearing that just really touched me. It is good to hear that you matter sometimes. I am glad things have gone down the way they have because even when we fight or things don't go the way we want or it's just all so hard to handle, I can still look at him and be amazed, blown away... just brillianced by the miracle of it all. He completely impresses me. I feel so in love still. And, for that, I am thankful.

I will try to start writing something more real but it's gotten hard to get real somehow. Not that this is in any way inauthentic or that I'm not being myself but just that I have more to say. Truth is, though, that at the end of the day, it's nice right now just to say what I spent the day doing. Idontknowifanyoneeveneverreadsthis. Point is, I had an awesome day and it feels so good just to say I'm doing well.

WORK

So, I have officially accepted 4 jobs while here in California, currently employed with 3 of those. None of these jobs have anything to do with what I studied in school, and I'm really okay with that-- that was part of what I wanted when I came out here. It's a little ridiculous to me, though, that even with 3 jobs, one of those being "full-time" (which is a LIE by the way), I only have $10 to my name right now. It's not that bad actually. It's not like I'm spending fiendish amounts of cash or anything... mostly I've just been making food with BB. But waiting for the first California paycheck has been really irritating. But I'm grateful to have a job---and super grateful to have three. Ha.

I hold a full-time position at a jewlery store... it's called Jest Jewels, privately owned and based out of SF, and reminds me of an adult-version of Claire's. We have lots of high end stuff and cheap costume jewelry all in the same place. It's a nice place to work and in a really nice area (West Berkeley) but can lack stimulation I'm used to from other jobs. It's okay though and the people who work there are all really nice. I also am a hostess at a restaurant called THE SUNNY SIDE CAFE. That was in all-caps because there was a Sunny Side in Carrollton, but it's totally different. It's in Albany, where I live, and I love working there. I've never worked in a restaurant before but it feels so amazing to be super busy all the time and interact with people all day. It's so fun and the food is incredible. I feel somehow like working here is a really spiritual experience for me (which I know sounds ridiculous) but since my dad has been a chef all my life, I've grown to love that smell of kitchen and appreciate cooking as an artistic and spirtual experience. I feel somehow like I'm getting to know my dad better while I'm there. I feel like that sounds crazy. But it's true. The third job I got today and it's just for being an on-call person at the YMCA. It's right by my house, so I can walk there (and to Sunny Side) and I get a free membership to the Y. I didn't know that when I went for the interview (about the free)... I just knew it seemed like it would work with my schedule, looked like fun, and was close by.

I feel really mindless on one level when I post this kind of writing, just stampin out my day, writing about goings-on. I want to start writing poetry again but I feel an indescribable resentment toward my art. It's conflicting but necessary for creation I think. Maaah.