Candy Bars

I need to talk about things but even saying that was very difficult. This is not really news persay and probably does not require an update, but it's how I'm feeling at 1:37 am. I am more than okay... I'm very happy and I feel treasures showing up in my life everyday... but it does not change the fact that at 1:37am on a Friday night, I'm sitting alone in my bedroom holding back tears over something I don't understand enough to even begin talking about.

Graduating from college was the most disorienting thing that's ever happened to me. Honestly, you don't have any idea what it's like until you do it. I think for people who have a more traditional path to follow or want a family or career immediately, it might make more sense. But there's just this deep unsettling energy running through my veins at basically all times. No "good" or "bad"... just is... a pulsing of weird feeling. What I'm trying to say is that I think for all the years I was in school, it will take just as long to get over not being in school, unless I go back. I just feel weird. Like they charged me up with all this specific knowledge, to show me how much I don't understand about my "major" or literature or the world, and now I feel like I'm being lazy because I got a full time job at a jewelry shop in addition to another job... like I'm overqualified for something I'm not at all qualified for. I knew this would be the case, but it doesn't keep the experience from being challenging and exhausting. I need to talk to somebody about this but I get so tired from thinking that I'm forgetting how to talk. I don't answer phone calls, I get frightened by facebook, I get anxious when people want to talk to me about anything substantial. I'm doing better than awesome here, just needed a moment of exhalation.

Today, a lady came into Jewels wearing this hat made of straw or paper or something completely outrageous. She told me she liked my nails and my big eyes and then told me all about herself, just casually falling apart in front of a total stranger. I felt like I was inside her brain-- felt the one, felt her needing for me to listen, felt the nerves jumping. It was weird, maybe, but I felt like crying, feeling that close to somebody I didn't know. It was really nice actually.

You've done everything right. Sometimes I don't have the right things to say and sometimes I bother the people I care the most about, and I'm sorry that I can't do anything to change that. But what I meant to say was that you are a miracle, a giant, a masterpiece. "It takes a lot to go out there and radiate your essence." But when you do, you amaze me. I love knowing you.

Anyway, I've rambled my face off. Peace.