"I suffer depression only in the sense that I am a writer. We don't have proper jobs to go to. We are on our own all day. Show me a writer who doesn't get depressed: who has a completely stable mood. They'd be a garage mechanic or something. Anyway, I don't think you become a writer unless you are aware of the workings of your mind."
-Mark Haddon
HA!
I didn't know I needed to see you and talk to you until I did... until there was a face and a hug and desperation. But I did. I needed to say those things out loud to you and I needed to be able to ask you those questions and I needed to know I could talk to you about him. I needed to know there was still a friendship there, that we aren't like everyone else, that we were different, and that we can still remember how to talk without words. I am forever grateful to you for teaching me how to notice the details in the fabric and the value of the second. I remember everything, I see everything, I thank God for unconditional love and the art of acceptance. Friday night was one of the most intense and important nights I've had in a while just because I was reassured of the beauty in every inch and the promise in every moment.
And then Saturday, an adult woman asked me if I really believe that everything happens for a reason and I shook my head and told her that it is ever so much deeper than that.
I have tried to be sensitive to this for a long time but I realize now I've done something so wrong. I can't change it. It had to happen this way. I had to be this way. But I need to step up. I just wish I knew how to help you.
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