I'm trying to get better at saying "I need help" before things get too bad, trying to let the people close to me know that I am feeling overwhelmed or frightened by things before I push them away, and trying not to fall apart. I'm not sure if I've done a good job with these things or not but I'm trying and it does matter. Bryan is teaching me a lot about this because I think we both often have the natural inclination to push people away before reaching out--him with anger, usually, and me with sadness--- but I don't want to push him away, ever, so in a lot of ways he helps me push myself to work through the bad feelings and natural distance to growth and progress. He is helping me discover more about myself with each visit, each conversation, each kiss. I am really thankful for him. It reminds me of what Sterling was saying to me the other night at Alley Cat--- it's important to have people in your life to tell you when there is spinach in your teeth and even when it's hard, Bryan and I are always able to metaphorically talk about the spinach in our teeth.

Today I feel sad and overwhelmed. I feel sad because Bryan left today and sad because I feel like I am doing poorly in school. I feel when I do poorly in school that I am letting the people in my life down because I can't inspire anybody when I'm busy screwing up. I feel overwhelmed about everything. I miss my home-friends. I wish Chester lived in Carrollton so Charlotte would have somebody to play with when I'm not around. Sometimes thinking like a child helps me clear my mind best.

I'm scared to move to California. I'm also not scared. I will miss living with Matt and I will miss having Cara around. I will miss my family. But I will grow my gorgeous wings and be the most Kate I've ever been. I believe in this.

I feel better when I write.
I feel selfish when I write.