It was so dramatic, don't you know? I remember sometimes, but only in old emails and journal entries and stuff do I realize how ridiculously much I feel in the midst of argument, conflict, euphoria... I feel crazy all the time. I feel craziest when I go back and read this stuff and think what was I even saying? and who even talks like this? Sometimes I wish I could show you the things they've said, maybe you will see who I was before all of this, when I was cooler, or more interesting... This is my biggest lie. I'm not important or special or different. I'm not magic or manic or marvelous at all. I'm just chatty. And insane, maybe. Maybe when I stopped believing that I could be those things I stopped being those things. And maybe that's when you found me.
I wish that you would think I were extraordinary. I thought that was sort of the deal. I thought we were supposed to be enchanted... otherwise where is the magic in any of this for you? I feel like I'm just really disappointing everyone. I feel like I'm really happy with who I am, but honestly, it would be nice to feel like a big deal again... like I was something else, like I was worth hating because I was misunderstood, like I was something special. I feel an immense sadness knowing I am just like everyone else. Remembering that makes me feel like melting.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
"Every great relationship begins and ends with them. They are the foundational Lincoln Logs of communication. They keep us sane, and yet we hate them. They are the curse and the blessing, and the most apt manifestation of human character. The first lie was everything about her. The last was that she was sorry."
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