Saturday, May 17, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
I've reached a moment in my life where I just have wanted to be alone--- and I don't mean alone like away from other people.. I have wanted to be alone from my own self. I haven't wanted to write, have consciously resisted it. Truth is, I would love to say I know why but I don't. I have barely cried at all since November. I didn't cry more than for a little while the entire time I was driving across the country with Bryan. When I think about that, I wonder about all of this. I wonder why I don't feel sensitive to anything anymore and I hope that it's just a phase like everything else, I hope there's something left, I hope there are always more tears. I don't want to be sad--- I just want to feel something enough to cry over it.
There was a moment in the airport... My mom was drinking dunkin donuts next to me, we're just sitting waiting for two hours to board our plane, and I think of how alone I felt the second you said bye, and it was like my heart just stopped. I remember looking at my mom with wet eyes and her looking at me and she didn't ask me if I was okay... she knew just to let me be. She knew how I felt, somehow, without me saying anything. I think of this and I think of my mom's big blue eyes and I think of how for the first time she was seeing me in the middle of romance as opposed to in between it or somewhere around it- she saw the separating, the part that I had always just dealt with alone. And it was new for both of us. In a good way. Even in the sadness, there was so much undeniable love.
It's hard for me to say what comes next because I don't know. I just know that this time, like every time, I am all in as much as I know how to be. I am just praying that this lack of tears doesn't mean that I've stopped feeling as much or that I've lost my way. I am hoping I am just stronger in new ways. And that when I do finally face myself, I will feel it all and somehow I will be better because of it. Better than what, I don't know. I am not sure what to do other than just keep trying.
There's no way to know for certain, but I think I am happy.
There was a moment in the airport... My mom was drinking dunkin donuts next to me, we're just sitting waiting for two hours to board our plane, and I think of how alone I felt the second you said bye, and it was like my heart just stopped. I remember looking at my mom with wet eyes and her looking at me and she didn't ask me if I was okay... she knew just to let me be. She knew how I felt, somehow, without me saying anything. I think of this and I think of my mom's big blue eyes and I think of how for the first time she was seeing me in the middle of romance as opposed to in between it or somewhere around it- she saw the separating, the part that I had always just dealt with alone. And it was new for both of us. In a good way. Even in the sadness, there was so much undeniable love.
It's hard for me to say what comes next because I don't know. I just know that this time, like every time, I am all in as much as I know how to be. I am just praying that this lack of tears doesn't mean that I've stopped feeling as much or that I've lost my way. I am hoping I am just stronger in new ways. And that when I do finally face myself, I will feel it all and somehow I will be better because of it. Better than what, I don't know. I am not sure what to do other than just keep trying.
There's no way to know for certain, but I think I am happy.
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