Balance

I feel like I don't know how to get it to stay in the middle.

I feel like I don't know how to make myself stay in the middle.

I don't think I understand what you want from me.

I understand that we're all in some way the same, but I'm not like them.

I wish I knew how to bring things up without sounding crazy.

Meow

Today, I feel like a bird.

"There is no past - and the future clearly isn’t written yet. The bright lights add an element of blindness as if I’m singing into an abyss, talking to the Gods, in trust, and as the audience is sometimes removed from view – it’s as if I’m operating out of the purpose of pure joy."

http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/2010/09/on-tour-we-trust.html

I am an obese person stuck in a little girl's body.

I have a significant conflict happening within me right now. I have this strong desire to make the time go a little faster, do the things I need to do to get out of here, do well, etc. And this thing constantly rubbing against it saying "you don't really feel like doing anything, do you?" -- just this big heavy weight of no-motivation and this lightness of "but it's all so grand really, isn't it?" You know? Maybe not. It's not such a big deal anyway.

I don't want to do homework. I do want to get out of here. I want to want to do everything. I also want to eat a cheeseburger. But I have made it almost ten months without one. I'm not giving up now. It's also been one year and almost ten months since I drank Mountain Dew, in any form or flavor. It's the little things, eh?

Ole Len...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk7DOe5EGgM&feature=related

"I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
you were famous, your heart was a legend.
You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.
And clenching your fist for the ones like us
who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind,
we are ugly, but we have the music."

Such an Autumn song to me. Loves.

Shadow of a Doubt

"You think you know something, don't you? You think you're the clever little girl who knows something. There's so much you don't know, so much. What do you know, really? You're just an ordinary little girl, living in an ordinary little town. You wake up every morning of your life and you know perfectly well that there's nothing in the world to trouble you. You go through your ordinary little day, and at night you sleep your untroubled ordinary little sleep, filled with peaceful stupid dreams. And I brought you nightmares. Or did I? Or was it a silly, inexpert little lie? You live in a dream. You're a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? Do you know the world is a foul sty? Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you'd find swine? The world's a hell. What does it matter what happens in it? Wake up, Charlie. Use your wits. Learn something."

Sometimes I wake up Uncle Charlie. Sometimes I'm Charlotte.

I think most of the time though, it's about being a little bit of both.

Otherwise, one of you is going to end up dead.

The Wonder

"Love has, at its best, made the inherent sadness of life bearable, and its beauty manifest."
from An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison

I Know How You've Been Feeling Today

"Nobody'd ever done anything bad to me, every problem I ever had I'd been the cause of. I was a fraud, and the fact that I was lonely was my own fault (of course his ears pricked up at fault, which is a loaded term) because I seemed to be so totally self-centered and fraudulent that I experienced everything in terms of how it affected people's view of me and what I needed to do to create the impression of me I wanted them to have. I said I knew what my problem was, what I couldn't do was stop it."

from "Good Old Neon" - David Foster Wallace

My face only looks like who I want you to think I am.

It could get graphic here.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/11278829/vintage-style-fantasy-flapper-mannequin

The Small Beauties in Everything.

Click, listen to this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFAA1bM4RY0

and then scroll through these photos...
http://sloanphotographers.info/?p=989

I like that humans have the ability to recognize beauty.
I like that the internet allows me to stalk unrealistically beautiful people doing completely ridiculous gorgeous things. I don't feel jealousy or like I am missing out on anything, but more like complete. I feel complete when I can see these pictures and hear this music and just recognize how truly lovely these things are. I am really happy to be alive.

Be well.

Do you realize?

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredible benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometime's there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

-American Beauty, 1999

I am really happy and the world is full of so much wonder.

Did you wake up today?