Pet Peevin'

Things annoy me.

Obviously, I'm a human (maybe not so obvious, considering you - if anyone is reading this, this means you- are reading this on a screen and have no way of knowing if I actually am a human. Could be a robot or computer generated blogging device, but I'm not.) and thus, things annoy me. I think it's a pretty basic principle. This is one of those things.

Sometimes, yeah, as in multiple times in my life, I go to a tanning bed. I pay some girl (I am sexist against tanning salons where men run the counter. Don't know exactly what's up with that.) at the front counter my hard earned cash (or card) and pay for a fake-sun to real-burn my skin for 10-15 minutes. Within a day, there is slightly more color added to both sets of cheeks and for those 10-15 minutes of the tanning experience, I sit there butt naked hanging out doing absolutely nothing but breathing and absorbing fake sunlight. It's awesome.

The problem is that I guess I feel some kind of guilt every time I do this. I feel guilty that I didn't do something more helpful to my fellow humans with that money or more productive with that 10-15 minute time span. I also feel like, because of an undeniable stigma, this awful feeling that I am somehow really self-absorbed or fake for going along with the whole thing. But to be honest, what bothers me the most is that I feel like I am always experiencing this guilt internally over completely useless external opinions. Mostly, I feel mad because I think about the people who have said something negative in conversation with my appreciation of the indoor tanning experience - and how basically every one of the people who have said something about this to me smoke cigarettes. I mean, honestly. I just really dislike that dynamic and I realized today how unfair to myself it is that I allow the opinion of other faulted, self-abusing, selfish aspects of other people's perspectives to make me feel guilty for participating in an activity that makes me feel good. Personally, it's not a wholly appearance thing as it is an overall pleasurable physical experience. I don't go everyday of my life. I'm not afraid of wrinkles (duh, if you're in regular sunlight you'll get them all the same. do you really want to be out in the GEORGIA sun for five hours though? Bad news bears.) and I'm well aware that I could be buying... you know, pencils or something with that money but how would that be any more productive? I'm not orange-glowing and my hair is naturally blonde and I didn't become more stupid after going to a tanning bed or anything... I am the same person with fifteen more minutes of selfish enjoyment on occasion. I'm just sayin'. That's my stance.

"In addition to psychological benefits, exposure to UV light helps the body produce the activated form of vitamin D, which plays an important role in overall good health."

What the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I'm going to give a lot more of it as a happy person. If I find the fifteen minutes of warmth and nudity and complete undisturbed burning as a means to my feelings of happiness, I think that's all right. Everyone has their demons, and everyone also has guilty pleasures. I'm done with the guilty part. Let's just embrace the pleasure.

In other news, Boyfriend Bramlett is in GA in EIGHT days. Woooo!

Coulrophobia!!!

"Coulrophobia is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. The term is common, but is not commonly used in psychology. The prefix "coulro-" comes from the Ancient Greek κωλοβαθριστής (kōlobathristēs), “one who goes on stilts”. Coulrophobia can also be said to extend to a fear of covering up one's face with paint—the idea of hiding recognisable features under a layer of face paint can also unsettle coulrophobia sufferers."

-WIKIPEDIA

What would we call the opposite? Why is there a word for every fear but not of everything in the world we can like? Is fear that simple? We can just name all the fears so we feel diagnosed? Is that what it's even about? For the record, I really love clowns. I'm thinking about this because google can't give me an answer. It just directs me to clown-forums where I can find out how to become a clown. In all truth, this is a consuming google search as I've always wanted to be in the circus. However, I couldn't dedicate my life to something that I know scares basically half of the population. It would make me feel depressed. Same reason I decided not to chase after my dentist-dreams... that and I'll never care enough about science (just about teeth).

The point is, I love clowns. I hope someday we can find words for conquered fears.

Meowz.

9. Mine

"I sit with the bush for a long time but it says nothing to me. It continues to burn, still mainly near the bottom. I listen harder and harder, feeling a certain despair build, wondering if it will ever reach out and talk, if ever I will understand the message meant for me, but then, just as I'm listening as hard as I possibly can, it hits me, pow, like that: It wants me to talk. My burning bush would be different, my burning bush would be like me.

So I clear my throat and I tell it things, I talk to that bush. I don't think I've ever said so many sentences in a row before, but I talk for at least an hour about myself-- about me and my husband and my mother and my allergies, and sometimes I don't know what to say and then I just describe what I see. The streets gray and paved. The ground is dry here. The sky is cloudless.

It's wonderful. It's wonderful to talk like that. After a while, I'm exhaused and I think I've said enough. I feel great but my throat is dry and I need some water, so, thanking it over and over, I leave the burning bush by the side of the road for somebody else. And I start to walk."

-from Aimee Bender's "Fugue"

Robs you of the chance...

My room is hot, just like the hot Kristyn said it would be. I'm not complaining though really because I like this room, and my roommates, and Carrollton, and Charlotte. I feel very at home here, but the same at home I felt freshman year, when I knew I belonged but I couldn't figure out how. The only thing is I have to keep my door mostly shut, which keeps out the part that IS air conditioned, just so I can not wear pants, so I can keep my sanity. So much depends on everything else. But, like I said, I like it here.

More than having somebody to fall asleep next to, I miss having him around to wake up with. That's the real beauty, I feel. One day has gone by. We've made it through the darkness! Now, here's another day which we've never seen before. Let's cause some trouble, have a few fights, and love me all the while. You know? I love waking up next to him, smelling him before I can even see his face with clear eyes, knowing I am starting the day with this person, knowing we can do whatever we want because this has never happened before.

"I tried to dream up to the stars, but I didn't know how to do that. I tried to find a star no one in all of history had ever wished on before, and wondered what would happen if I did."

-"The Rememberer" by Aimee Bender

NO BREAK.

M y h eeeead fe eelz likke ROXx.