All I can think are selfish thoughts.

I feel like my brain is exploding with all the things I'm forgetting to say.

I can't sleep cuz my bed's on fire

i just love this picturrrre

Neon Pink Tights & Working Title Radio

I will always like the same kind of music. New bands, new sounds, but at the end of the day I'm sitting here wearing neon tights and listening to The Working Title radio... anyway, I'm reminded of all these good ole tunes I loved in high school and hearing some I've never heard but that sound like everything I love. It's a good life. Now, if only I could get this paper done... or all of them.

Now you're better than you think you are,

show these people what you were born to do.

'Cause I believe in you

I'd bet my life on you.

Forget the awful words they said,

lost your dream,

they lost their heads.

It's funny what fear does to you.

:)

Boys speak in rhythm, and girls in code do-do-do-do!

"I suffer depression only in the sense that I am a writer. We don't have proper jobs to go to. We are on our own all day. Show me a writer who doesn't get depressed: who has a completely stable mood. They'd be a garage mechanic or something. Anyway, I don't think you become a writer unless you are aware of the workings of your mind."

-Mark Haddon

HA!

I didn't know I needed to see you and talk to you until I did... until there was a face and a hug and desperation. But I did. I needed to say those things out loud to you and I needed to be able to ask you those questions and I needed to know I could talk to you about him. I needed to know there was still a friendship there, that we aren't like everyone else, that we were different, and that we can still remember how to talk without words. I am forever grateful to you for teaching me how to notice the details in the fabric and the value of the second. I remember everything, I see everything, I thank God for unconditional love and the art of acceptance. Friday night was one of the most intense and important nights I've had in a while just because I was reassured of the beauty in every inch and the promise in every moment.

And then Saturday, an adult woman asked me if I really believe that everything happens for a reason and I shook my head and told her that it is ever so much deeper than that.

I have tried to be sensitive to this for a long time but I realize now I've done something so wrong. I can't change it. It had to happen this way. I had to be this way. But I need to step up. I just wish I knew how to help you.

"Well, I'll take these pages and move on. Things are happening elsewhere. Things are always happening. It seems wherever I go there is drama. People are like lice - they get under your skin and bury themselves there. You scratch and scratch until the blood comes, but you can't get permanently deloused. Everywhere I go people are making a mess of their lives. Everyone has his private tragedy. It's in the blood now - misfortune, ennui, grief, suicide. The atmosphere is saturated with disaster, frustration, futility. Scratch and scratch, until there's no skin left. However, the effect upon me is exhilarating. Instead of being discouraged or depressed, I enjoy it. I am crying for more and more disasters, for bigger calamities, grander failures. I want the whole world to be out of whack, I want every one to scratch himself to death."

-Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

Code Name?

Pure

Noble

Honor

If I've done anything at all, please, let me get there.

I'm trying to get better at saying "I need help" before things get too bad, trying to let the people close to me know that I am feeling overwhelmed or frightened by things before I push them away, and trying not to fall apart. I'm not sure if I've done a good job with these things or not but I'm trying and it does matter. Bryan is teaching me a lot about this because I think we both often have the natural inclination to push people away before reaching out--him with anger, usually, and me with sadness--- but I don't want to push him away, ever, so in a lot of ways he helps me push myself to work through the bad feelings and natural distance to growth and progress. He is helping me discover more about myself with each visit, each conversation, each kiss. I am really thankful for him. It reminds me of what Sterling was saying to me the other night at Alley Cat--- it's important to have people in your life to tell you when there is spinach in your teeth and even when it's hard, Bryan and I are always able to metaphorically talk about the spinach in our teeth.

Today I feel sad and overwhelmed. I feel sad because Bryan left today and sad because I feel like I am doing poorly in school. I feel when I do poorly in school that I am letting the people in my life down because I can't inspire anybody when I'm busy screwing up. I feel overwhelmed about everything. I miss my home-friends. I wish Chester lived in Carrollton so Charlotte would have somebody to play with when I'm not around. Sometimes thinking like a child helps me clear my mind best.

I'm scared to move to California. I'm also not scared. I will miss living with Matt and I will miss having Cara around. I will miss my family. But I will grow my gorgeous wings and be the most Kate I've ever been. I believe in this.

I feel better when I write.
I feel selfish when I write.

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
1. The entire time I was growing up I really hated socks. I hate wearing most forms of footwear in general. This was true up until about four weeks ago. I have recently begun buying lots of socks.
2. I’m a middle child. I love my middle child syndrome. I love to talk about being a middle child and I will automatically analyze you if I know you are a middle child.
3. I don’t enjoy alcohol consumption.
4. I drink a LOT of sugar-free Red Bull. I consume a LOT of caffeine.
5. I want to know everything about you, whoever you are.
6. I want to write a book before I die but sharing poetry or fiction I write is really challenging to me. I love sharing blog-style writing though, and I’ve kept two livejournals and one blurty since 8th grade. I would love to publish a book in that style but there is no courage in that. I like doing things that scare me more than things that comfort me.
7. When I read 1984 by George Orwell my senior year of high school, I threw the book against the wall when I got to the end. I’m still mad about it. I’m also still mad at that Tilda lady who won the Oscar for best female actress when Cate Blanchett should have won for her role in “I’m Not There.”
8. I love feeling close to great literature.
9. My top five favorite famous people ever are Pablo Picasso, Joni Mitchell, Tupac Shakur, Anais Nin, and Bob Dylan. I consume these people. Everything they've made, written, sung, painted, loved--I'm interested.

SELFISHHHH