Sometimes, just writing it out is prayer.

The last few days/weeks/months, feeling a return of people presenting these really strong emotions/expressions of self to me and it's something I love, exactly what I live for. But I worry I'm not currently equipped to deal with these feelings, unsure of myself a little. Trying to find that foundation outside of me once again. Have I mentioned that I may have buried myself alive? Point is, I love this. I'm just not sure I know how to do it, right now.

I hope that I do. And I want you to know that I'm doing the best I can to find the moments for everyone. It just gets to be so very much sometimes... and some days, I just have these moments of desperation for solitude.

Broken skin is only one aspect of a wound.

And more on that later.

“Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before, but rather allowing what is now to move us closer to God.”
― Ram Dass

A heart wounded by the belief that what we had was a good love and the awakening that maybe it was not even love, but a deep found intrigue fueled by the both of us, in love with everything but one another, everything except the very thing we thought we were fighting for. I'm not saying it wasn't, but I'm saying I'm not sure what it was anymore. When one mixes tenses, nobody can focus. We lose sight of what we've seen or will see right now. You see? All I know is that the first time I met him, I knew I needed to find a way to be okay. And the second time I met him, I felt the shift in the universe, and I heard God whisper to me that my life was already changed. What I feel now is the ability to breathe, and it's hard to cope with this. Happiness is very disorienting for a small percent of the population, including the alligators and all of us middle children. Mostly, I consider that considering your process won't necessarily help me if I can't forgive you. What I'm learning is that the more you let go without forgiving yourself, the more guilty you feel when the happiness swells. I'm not talking about you, though, obviously; I'm talking about myself.

So, let me start over.

I have been practicing happiness lately, learning just now that I am a being deserving of love, and I'm daily seeking forgiveness as well as looking into the heart of something to seek forgiveness in the name of those I've felt have hurt me. I've also let so much of the things I've been holding onto simply go. It's not always my fault if someone cannot release their pain, even if it is because of me.

Okay. I did it again. How about this?

I know that I am doing the right thing because I couldn't be doing anything else. I want you to know that I am doing just fine. And that I'm happy. And that sometimes it takes something, or someone, new and beautiful to help you wake up and see that you, too, are a beautiful, radiant being. And that there's nobody in the entire history of possible infinities that is a better you than the one you are. And that there's nothing left over or reachable in the backwoods of who you were that is going to help you feel better now--- just let it go, let it be, and let someone let you matter. Maybe.

I think that's what I meant.

All love,

lil kg

It was like a weird teenage wonderland, pizza and something beautiful between us. Here we are, I guess. Here you are, I guess. It's refreshing.

I'm really overwhelmed with not talking about things, and that's important to deal with. This feels like a grown up issue I can't grasp fully, but the disappointment I felt this week has just been incredible. "Sometimes you do the right thing, but it isn't the right thing for another person." It was funny hearing that, like at the end of Wizard of Oz when Dorothy states what she's learned- a funny moment of absolute reflection, like a moment of this is what I was meant to learn. But nothing is changed because of it. It's frustrating to feel out of control.

I write this here because I'm not sure how to deal with it there.

"I will do these things inside your love
However fragile is how broken it becomes
If I don't tell you how I'm feeling it's because
I'm still learning, but I will learn to love

This is how we walk together, old and filled with holes
In these sweaters, scarves and fireworks between us holding hands
Inside a million stars together as we walk
And we sit on some old bench I touch your hand in this old park
Inside of you, inside us"

For you, I'll try.

It's actually amazing how disappointed I am. No, really. I'm amazed that I can even feel like this.

Today/night has not been the highlight of February.

No, but seriously...

Too Much to Remember

Something random I wrote, maybe the beginning to a story. Maybe the end. I don't know what it is. Written in October, inspired by crumbled mountains and the Gervais family driveway.

Xoxo, kg.

---

I watched her books disappear over weeks… the words bound shrinking just like those between us. I had done nothing wrong, she said. But I knew better. I knew that if I had done nothing wrong, she wouldn’t leave me, wouldn’t have already left me. Here we go.

Before I fall asleep, I can still feel her breathing down my neck, her softness bringing me to life when I least wanted it. I never took advantage of these kinds of things.

Is this not the greatest tragedy?

I didn’t mean to fall apart, of course. But it’s wedged between us, something like air but more beautiful, something like water but heavier. All I can feel is my heart breaking again and again and again and again and again here we go, I say instead: I still have our box. I can’t help it. I can’t throw her away. I can’t give her to goodwill or forget worn jeans or mermaid hair. I didn’t know how to keep her and so she was gone. If I believed in God, I would have prayed to Him. Who the hell knows, maybe I did. I can’t remember anything except trying not to cry, trying to hold myself away from her, when all I wanted was to feel the soft animal of her body falling against mine, make me somebody. She wasn't the only one, but she was the only one that matters. You would learn to hate me if you knew.

Nothing Even Matters

Not a legit music video or anything...

But. I'm so in love with how good this song is. Smooth. Reminds me of rainy days and feeling calm.

Today was wonderful.

There's a black cat sitting on the sill of wide open windows in my San Jose home. My hair is in my signature messy bun and it's my day off, nowhere to be. There's a group of kids outside ringing their bicycle bells (no, seriously.) and Jerry's guitar is singing to me. I finished my unicorn puzzle this morning. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I feel wonderful.

It was a bizarre conversation between you and I, fumbling between business and curiosity, laughing and misery. I never know what to say to people when they ask me what I'm doing. I never know what I'm supposed to say when they ask what I've been up to. I'm always doing the same things. I brag about the little things because I don't have much else to say... a poem will be published and I don't know how to talk about it... I know it's significant but at the same time, it's not so much. But for me, it's something huge. Is that enough for me to talk about? Can I hold your attention with my small joys?

The truth is, what I'm up to is teaching myself to be happy.

I still laugh at all the wrong times. I'm not anxious anymore. I have enough money, always. I don't eat enough. I cry rarely. Something good is happening. I miss my sisters. I'm falling apart toward someone else, and it's beautiful. I don't have any cats. I don't know how to hold a conversation a lot of times because I've buried myself alive. I had a girl scout cookie for breakfast. My heart is full of something hopeful. The weather here is perfect every day... even when it rains.

I have changed. Not much, but I have. I want you to know that I answered the phone this time not to help you or give you some pointers or anything. I answered the phone because I prefer to say yes, because I think it's time. I know there is a sadness in all of this. But there's something valuable in old friends and old anything... maybe for you, the depths of me that destroyed us are all you know to look to when you need saving. Just an idea.

There's something about how good this day is that reminds me why all of our miseries happened. Heartbreak is productive. Launching forward, straight into sunlight.