I will never understand anyone. Maybe that's what I need to accept. And get the heck over it.

Uncharacteristically, I returned a phone call exactly when I said I would- to a dear friend I met and grew to know during my study abroad trip in Germany. We don't talk often, and didn't even hang out that much in Germany... but somehow we've always been connected on a deep, mystical sort of level, and I've always appreciated how raw she is with the world, how she just fights and fights... I don't know. I feel like I am always letting the world overcome me, happen to me. I feel like she is the kind of human who happens to the world. Admirable.

Last night when I returned her phone call, I told her things I haven't said out loud to anyone in my entire life... things I didn't know I could express to anyone else. And she just listened and knew, talked and understood. Two and a half hours passed and I was hungry and had to pee so bad and still couldn't let myself give her excuses to hang up the phone because I needed to hear her talk as much as she needed me to listen. I needed somebody to put it all away for once, to fall apart, to let me catch them. Not even like a this-is-how-I'm-feeling conversation... but this-is-who-i-am-and-what-am-i-to-do-with-it thing. Talking about all the things I think about alone all day every day. I don't feel any different based on this conversation, just maybe more safe and less alone. I feel like the most important thing, though, is that during that conversation, that was all that was happening for me--- that was where I was, this was what I was doing. I love Meaghan Elam for reminding me how to love the conversation more than fear humanity. It was so beautiful to connect in this way and so beautiful to be reminded that it's all so easy after all, just requires a little bit of pushing... and encouragement.

The truth is, when I get home every day, I want to tell somebody what the sky looked like on the way home, how the elevator smells like laundry, how I feel about Henry Miller and Anais Nin. I want to ask anyone how they felt the first time they remembered being naked in front of someone else, if they've ever felt the sunshine inside of someone else, if they remember how to read a mind. I want to break down all the walls, to scratch everything til it rips. I just want to have someone to fumble with again, like how we all did before, like how we still do for moments when we forget how scared we are. Like how Austin and I did on our way to Carrollton, fumbling together in growing up... Like how Kristyn and I still don't know how to be apart.... like how my family has been doing for my whole life... I just want to take it to the next level, to say out loud more often... "aren't we just fumbling?" I want to live in a little house where I can come home every day and say stimulate me... tell me something new, teach me how to live again, remind me why I bother.

I wonder sometimes if I told you the truth...

#thelittlethings

First draft, worst draft... posting it helps me critique it for myself... sorry it's so terrible. haha

For Bryan

We loved in a frenzy, no time taken for polite kisses or patient

goodbyes; miss yous and soon enoughs were the language

we knew best. That, and the one of the body, the one that sung

your name when the months would pass without kisses,

on my end, commitment, on yours. I stayed true

while you stayed busy, caught in the midst of California dreaming

and the boredom of the real world. I woke up to you, without you,

on repeat, humming like the songs I’d help you write, like the birds

we tried to imitate, like the body after panic. Humming myself

to sleep was the pattern when you were gone and I wasn’t sure if God

was listening. Without you, flirting gets old before I meet anyone

new. Because I can only ever smile, say I’m flattered, and wonder

when the day will come that you remember that it is rude to eat

with elbows on the table.

Shake it out, shake it out!

And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake 'im out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs

I happily welcome October! Though I had bigger plans for this morning, I pleasantly hung out with new Ryan Adams music tapping my feet and laying on my bed. What I wanted doesn't matter so much now... what I had planned for my life doesn't exist today. What is happening is that I'm alone in my room with just this music and the sound of wind, the big white walls, and the oxygen to fill my lungs. And, of course, the mess on the floor.

This has always been my favorite month. Partially because Kristyn's birthday is in October and partially because everything good happens this month... the pumpkins and best weather, scarves and shorts worn at the same time, new music from country-alt singers. Fabulous. Normally, I am surrounded by lots of people doing so many activities... but this year that might not be so much the case. But what is happening is that I am breathing, creating, regenerating, and relearning how to be unstoppable. Relearning my own miracle of being.

I've been doing a lot of crying-myself-to-sleep mixed with praying-myself-to-sleep lately... a combination which isn't the most glamorous... but it helps me empty all of this out before I sleep. So I can really rest, I think. That was last night. And now it's this morning. And I don't feel like crying. Waking up wasn't hard. I'm not in the mood for a panic attack or a headache. I just feel like doing what I'm doing, listening to Ryan Adams and writing in my blog. Knowing that Kristyn will read it. Knowing that not many other people do. But that's all. Today I woke up and remembered myself. I have no real intentions for the rest of the month--- only to remind myself that I am loved, that I can love, and that I don't have to be afraid of the world just because I'm in it alone.

I woke up this morning finally ready to be myself again. I can't tell anyone what this means, but I think I know for myself.

All I know is that my name is Kate Gervais. All I know how to do is try.

All these things you seek... your opportunities are flooding your days. Who are you not to take them?

All I'm saying is if you're looking for balance, all you had to do was say hello.

So much beauty in every inch.

...That's all.

Adventures along the Coast...

Speaking of today, one of my work girls and I drove down to Monterey to visit the aquarium! So cool. There was so much to see and I think we only walked for like a mile outside the aquarium. Something so incredible about the Pacific... completely breathtaking every time. I love the west coast in a very real way. It was nice to get out and go away and turn off my phone.

Some highlights include...

an unreal amount of sea lions... had to be hundreds. super stank though.

so scary! a real wave...

19,000 sardines in the great white shark tank.

jellies

Lil Cosmo, my homie.

Randos from Santa Cruz.

No matter how many times I just walk along the beach encrusted sidewalks of Santa Cruz and go see the barking sea lions, I never get tired of this place. I want to explore and explore and explore it, take the sidewalks further... splash my feet in the Pacific. It's just a place I feel comfortable and alive and happy and there's so much to do without having to do anything. Maybe someday I'll be rich and can live here for a summer, like I dreamed last year.

These are just some pics from when I took Cara-Judy. I'm trying to step back from facebook... the creepy factor is out of control. So here I am with a classic pica-post. Hah!

Sea Lion

friendship.

"I thought you would like them because they're rainbow colors."

My feel-better flowers from Aundrea at work.

:)

Now that I've said what I meant, I'm moving on.