And I can't stand to see you be a bad man...

The days pass and I feel the loneliness swell. Hold: I do not mean this tragically, only truthfully. When I say loneliness, I mean Joni-lonely, profound loneliness, a moment removed from reality, watching watching watching myself critically and chaotically. Where have I gone in this picture? Here and not always... poetic loneliness. And I am grateful.

When I wake up, I miss Bryan. I want to tell him, first thing, that I miss him. But then I take a moment to pray, to ask for healing, to ask for some kind of timeline. And then I get out of my bed and brush my teeth and feel the quiet speak to me, feel it press my shoulders together to remind me that it's not supposed to be fair, and I don't get the answers before finishing the test, all the millions of mixed metaphors and connections and allusions that help me get through the day. I move around, turn my records on, brush my hair (sometimes), and do my damn thing. I watch the sky while rolling through traffic and keep considering, keep thinking, keep hoping, and then taking most of it back. All we can do is... do stuff, I guess. I wake up and I do things and I remember how easy this is for you and I just tell myself that for the first time ever I am heartbroken from romantic love in a very real, adult, and miserable way and that there is no shame in this truth. God bless me for knowing it's okay to feel miserable, for as long as it takes. I'm okay, really. The only outlet I really have in this department are this blog and my stuffed animals. Hah! Anyway... I'm still alive. Isn't that the real point of this? Maybe?

I drove into the seemingly perpetual California sunset the other day after work to see Colour Revolt perform, and I went, like I do, on my own. I took the drive and I stood there and I danced and I sang out and all of this alone. And in the middle of A New Family, I started laughing aloud. Because I am completely alone! Can you believe that? It's not a sad thing and it's not a forever thing. But for now, I pay my own bills and live on my own and do my own thing without any nearby friends or family or loved ones except for those (beautiful, amazing girls) I work with. I was at this concert alone! It's ridiculous! So alone! And okay. Really okay. Would I prefer to be alone the way I am? Not a freaking chance... it's misery! But I take a lot of joy in this and I'm really proud of myself for being able to embrace my sadness without drowning in it. I really do think I've grown up.

What a strange world this is...

"If you forget my love,

I'll try to remind you.

I'll stay by you,

when it don't come easy."

Maybe waking up isn't easy either...

Since I moved to California, I feel as if I have been a mix of endlessly exhausted and excessively grateful. I love being here, love it! But so often I find myself not having a moment to think... going from 7 days a week to this job which I always have something to take care of on my day off, too. I have been a crappy friend since moving to San Jose because I keep buying cards and not sending them, wanting to answer the texts I get while working but forgetting about them from being so tired, wanting to just be able to be a friend and I feel myself failing. But this is growing up. That's not an excuse; it's a tragedy. I am happy to be here. So happy. I love my job and I can't believe how fortunate I am sometimes. And then I wonder how much time will pass before I feel at home, before I feel adjusted, before I can give directions in California and make friends and do anything other than work and take an hours stroll around Target, where I don't have service, so I can ignore all the calls for just a moment, and just be by myself, around a bunch of other people.

I wonder, too, how much time has to pass before I stop wanting to text you every morning... before you're my first or even second thought. I wonder when I want it all to be. I feel like I've never been through something like this before. I just don't know really. I feel so nervous lately. I feel relief, but also sadness.

But, as always, this too shall pass...

Cuz' breaking up is hard to do...

The hardest part about this is that it was right... that neither of us are mad and that we both knew the time had come. But we're still not done somehow, too... just that I'm not ready to not kiss you next time I see you or to not see you again for an undefined time period. I know that this is what has to happen.... the silence told us everything. It just feels unfair, so sudden, though it's been happening for months, I guess. The hardest part of knowing is that this is still a process, a slow unraveling. There's nothing to do but be patient, and calm, and remember that this is the best thing.

Why is being a grown up such a pain in the butt?

Just sitting here watching Ryan Adams videos on youtube for like 2 hours wondering how on earth anyone can possibly be so prolific.... crazy.

The better I am at work, the worse I am in my personal life... the less control I feel I have.

Um, adult much?

Gross.

I'm listening to Joni Mitchell pandora station and sitting on my new bedding in my big, dim room in San Jose. Two days ago, I drove with Bryan into San Francisco from here and was astonished by the beauty, the wonder of the California landscape. The cities, gorgeous in their own right, are full of magic, miracle, energy, exuberance... at least from what I've gathered. And then you take a different road and see these rolling hills and faded colors, so pure and so natural, something to write home about.

Sometimes I feel so sad... even embarrassed... to be working retail. It's a weird feeling but I think because of school I just feel like I'm not living up to my potential or something.... but the truth in my heart is that I can't imagine being more pleased really. I get to play dress up and talk to different people every day, inspire my coworkers with a positive attitude and seemingly never-fading energy, and it feels like I am living up to my own standards, which is something I feel I've never done. And I'm on salary! I am being blonde and happy and colorful and it is beautiful to me, more beautiful to me than anything else, is that I've overcome that feeling of not being good enough, even if it's only for a few hours when I'm dancing around Jest Jewels and singing with the girls. I know that I could be writing a book or I could be tutoring little kids or I could be doing something "grand" but I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing what I need to be doing exactly in the place I'm meant to be.

I miss you, though.

<3

So many really good, positive happenings in my life lately. Only sort of problem with progress is that it means I am constantly going through a list of to-do's! Every day a million things to take care of, lots of phone calls to make, things to pick up, and yet I still feel like I never have a chance to talk to my friends and family back east. I do certainly feel blessed, so much so, for my new position at work and how phenomenally well it is going. The adjustment was so hard at first, and the responsibility of management is... INTENSE. But I am doing my best with as much enthusiasm as possible, and I think the success is showing in morale and numbers! We are doing so well on the business side of things and, most importantly to me, the girls are coming to work smiling and believing they can make the goals and it just feels right.

Bryan and I have developed a pretty sturdy system of seeing one another often enough but it still makes me sad sometimes to know he is an hour away, not just a mile. Our one year anniversary of officialness is coming up August 4th... gotta think of something good! As the queen of gift-giving, I am struggling lately being creative and it BLOWS! I need to start making a list of random ideas to perpetuate this kind of thinking. Heh... I'm off topic.

So new goals... pay off $500 a month of student loans (I'm already almost at $1000 paid off! OMG! Still so much to go but it feels good to have made a dent!) with the potential help of my mom (I'm thinking $350 from me, $150 from her) and NOT TAKING MONEY OUT OF MY SAVINGS unless for rent and unless it's already allocated in my budget!!!!!!!

:)

Stay tuned.

I would make this whole world spin around just to see you again.

I'm packing up this room... what feels like at least the tenth time I've done this in two years. Truthfully, that's no exaggeration, but I don't want to think about how many times I've left a room behind... all the rooms... my campus quad room, home room, spain room, germany room, sun room, regular cunningham room, my home room again, and again, and again. As much as I feel like it's such the drag to be running up and down the staircases from room to car, I feel impressed with the amount of stuff I've resisted accumulating in the 5 months I've lived here. I can see myself progressing, growing up, growing into someone who needs less... I just hope I have not stopped giving. Idk... It feels GREAT to be finally harnessing this position, really feeling it and knowing I'm going to do well. It's hard, too, though, because as much as all I want to focus on is positive, I am finding myself stumbling upon various negative energies just like my brakes breaking and the tifts with those I hold dear and the awkward conversations and just the fumbling mess that is my life in motion. But I have to embrace all the goodness, the Godness, and myself.

I have been having hard days but I feel that I am done focusing on that for now. I want to just embrace positivity and opportunity, the sunshine, the bubbles, all those very Kate Alice things. I know this is something I can do, or it wouldn't have been offered to me and my path. Taking the hard moments and knowing I am bigger and more prepared because of them. Going to have such the blast with my newbie sidekick and going to love the life that is happening within and without me. Make a list of what you love and make sure you're on it.

xo.

I feel like the more I pray to make it through my days without crying, the harder this seems to be. I wonder if maybe I'm speaking backwards.

I am truly so happy and so proud of myself. And I am also completely miserable.

Right now, I feel like I need to just embrace this dark time. Just for now.