Lameness.

So my dad sent me some package, which probably contained all my mail from home since I've been in California and by the time it got to me, the package was ripped open and empty. The first things that cross my mind are: my identity is going to be stolen, mail from my dad is the most important/valuable mail I get, and who the heck steals mail? The thing is, nothing in that package was probably worth anything to anybody else in the world. It possibly contained my jury duty summons, junk mail, and possibly a whole bunch of aquarian horoscopes from the newspaper. It just makes me feel really lousy because, as happy as I am here, I don't have a lot of friends around and I don't have a lot of people who know me at all, so mail is one of the most important things to me. I don't know why but when I saw my dad's handwriting on the package, I started crying a lot. It's so incredible to be here and I'm doing really well and I'm really grateful for everything--- but it is so hard. Every single day I worry about my parents... and I feel so sad for not being able to not visit my mommy in the hospital, and I worry about my dad feeling alone. Somebody stealing my mail is not the worst possible thing that could ever have happened, obviously, but I just feel robbed and paranoid and miserable about it. Okay, complaining over. Xoxo.

I guess I should just get a p.o. box.

On the plus side, all this crying over spilled mail has made me realize how quality the new Maybelline Falsies mascara is. For non-waterproof, it's holding up extremely well. The little things...

Eat Like a Shoe Bird

http://likeashoebird.blogspot.com

This is my foodie blog. I want to start posting recipes of all the stuff I cook that is actually good... there's nothing on there yet but follow if you feel like it, so you can see once I do post it! Some recipes will be my own, some will belong to others with my edits, but all will be sourced. Holla.

For someone who is so good with encouraging others to express themselves, I continue having a hard time doing so within myself.

In other news, I just ate a banana. It was completely delicious. I would like to have a kitchen of my own where I could cook real food or at least heat up some soup. I know I am allowed to here, but it feels weird. Anyway, that banana was so good and I am still thinking about it. I like how so many fruits come in prepackaged safety containers... thick skin and prickly outsides. Such an incredible food.

Getting accepted to that conference as an independent scholar feels like the biggest accomplishment of my life.

Working my butt off to get nothing done.

It's so awkward writing entries like I have been feeling lately... like "this is what I did today; it was awesome, blah blah bleeeech." But. That's what I've been feeling. If you know me... at all... maybe you have noticed that my number one habit is prefacing EVERY.THING.I.SAY. Obnoxious, but so it goes.

Bryan, Matt, and I have been going to this Open Mic night in SF every Monday for about a month now (I've officially lived here over a month... so weiiiiird) and Bryan plays excellent tunes and Matt sometimes reads poetry and we listen to really vulgar comedians (which I really dislike) and have chats with new pseudo-friends on the walks back to BART. It's a cool time and something I like going to a lot even if I don't really love many of the performances. I find it really inspiring to see other people put their creative-selves out there so openly because sharing my art is really challenging to me. This Monday night I decided to read 3 poems... the whole time I was shaking but it went pretty smoothly and made me want to be more prolific and write... anything new. Last time I read poetry at Alley Cat, BB actually missed most of it (though he's read a lot of my stuff before) so sharing that experience was really important to us I think, sort of connecting the creative aspects of our relationships and seeing how they can exist in the same arena. Idk.

Shifting from only-ever long distance with BB to regular dating has been more intense and less intense than I could possibly describe and it's an experience in which I can't fully articulate for myself. All I know is that it has been huge with huge adjustments. But so beautiful! Having him surprise me at work with a sugar free red bull and then driving around, Yogurtland, back to El Cerrito, hanging out, cooking dinner, being the only people ever to enjoy US SKINS (DEAL WITH IT.)... it's incredible how moved I am by such simple interactions with him. And today he shared just a really open, casual statement of gratitude toward my presence in his life and my role in our relationship and hearing that just really touched me. It is good to hear that you matter sometimes. I am glad things have gone down the way they have because even when we fight or things don't go the way we want or it's just all so hard to handle, I can still look at him and be amazed, blown away... just brillianced by the miracle of it all. He completely impresses me. I feel so in love still. And, for that, I am thankful.

I will try to start writing something more real but it's gotten hard to get real somehow. Not that this is in any way inauthentic or that I'm not being myself but just that I have more to say. Truth is, though, that at the end of the day, it's nice right now just to say what I spent the day doing. Idontknowifanyoneeveneverreadsthis. Point is, I had an awesome day and it feels so good just to say I'm doing well.

WORK

So, I have officially accepted 4 jobs while here in California, currently employed with 3 of those. None of these jobs have anything to do with what I studied in school, and I'm really okay with that-- that was part of what I wanted when I came out here. It's a little ridiculous to me, though, that even with 3 jobs, one of those being "full-time" (which is a LIE by the way), I only have $10 to my name right now. It's not that bad actually. It's not like I'm spending fiendish amounts of cash or anything... mostly I've just been making food with BB. But waiting for the first California paycheck has been really irritating. But I'm grateful to have a job---and super grateful to have three. Ha.

I hold a full-time position at a jewlery store... it's called Jest Jewels, privately owned and based out of SF, and reminds me of an adult-version of Claire's. We have lots of high end stuff and cheap costume jewelry all in the same place. It's a nice place to work and in a really nice area (West Berkeley) but can lack stimulation I'm used to from other jobs. It's okay though and the people who work there are all really nice. I also am a hostess at a restaurant called THE SUNNY SIDE CAFE. That was in all-caps because there was a Sunny Side in Carrollton, but it's totally different. It's in Albany, where I live, and I love working there. I've never worked in a restaurant before but it feels so amazing to be super busy all the time and interact with people all day. It's so fun and the food is incredible. I feel somehow like working here is a really spiritual experience for me (which I know sounds ridiculous) but since my dad has been a chef all my life, I've grown to love that smell of kitchen and appreciate cooking as an artistic and spirtual experience. I feel somehow like I'm getting to know my dad better while I'm there. I feel like that sounds crazy. But it's true. The third job I got today and it's just for being an on-call person at the YMCA. It's right by my house, so I can walk there (and to Sunny Side) and I get a free membership to the Y. I didn't know that when I went for the interview (about the free)... I just knew it seemed like it would work with my schedule, looked like fun, and was close by.

I feel really mindless on one level when I post this kind of writing, just stampin out my day, writing about goings-on. I want to start writing poetry again but I feel an indescribable resentment toward my art. It's conflicting but necessary for creation I think. Maaah.

Today was rollercoastery but then I came back to Dora's to find a package from my "wife," Danielle, filled with Cheez-its and colors and a gangster dinosaur necklace. I feel glad to know that even though I spend a lot of time realizing how many friends I don't have here that people are still thinking about me somewhere and taking time out of their day to make mine a little better. It makes me sad to think I can't hug Danielle and tell her how happy it made me to get this package but at the same time it made me feel so appreciated and loved that I can use that to power my spirit and be better to the people I do see here.

I hope you guys are doing well. I also hope secretly that my paper gets accepted to that conference.......!!!

Candy Bars

I need to talk about things but even saying that was very difficult. This is not really news persay and probably does not require an update, but it's how I'm feeling at 1:37 am. I am more than okay... I'm very happy and I feel treasures showing up in my life everyday... but it does not change the fact that at 1:37am on a Friday night, I'm sitting alone in my bedroom holding back tears over something I don't understand enough to even begin talking about.

Graduating from college was the most disorienting thing that's ever happened to me. Honestly, you don't have any idea what it's like until you do it. I think for people who have a more traditional path to follow or want a family or career immediately, it might make more sense. But there's just this deep unsettling energy running through my veins at basically all times. No "good" or "bad"... just is... a pulsing of weird feeling. What I'm trying to say is that I think for all the years I was in school, it will take just as long to get over not being in school, unless I go back. I just feel weird. Like they charged me up with all this specific knowledge, to show me how much I don't understand about my "major" or literature or the world, and now I feel like I'm being lazy because I got a full time job at a jewelry shop in addition to another job... like I'm overqualified for something I'm not at all qualified for. I knew this would be the case, but it doesn't keep the experience from being challenging and exhausting. I need to talk to somebody about this but I get so tired from thinking that I'm forgetting how to talk. I don't answer phone calls, I get frightened by facebook, I get anxious when people want to talk to me about anything substantial. I'm doing better than awesome here, just needed a moment of exhalation.

Today, a lady came into Jewels wearing this hat made of straw or paper or something completely outrageous. She told me she liked my nails and my big eyes and then told me all about herself, just casually falling apart in front of a total stranger. I felt like I was inside her brain-- felt the one, felt her needing for me to listen, felt the nerves jumping. It was weird, maybe, but I felt like crying, feeling that close to somebody I didn't know. It was really nice actually.

You've done everything right. Sometimes I don't have the right things to say and sometimes I bother the people I care the most about, and I'm sorry that I can't do anything to change that. But what I meant to say was that you are a miracle, a giant, a masterpiece. "It takes a lot to go out there and radiate your essence." But when you do, you amaze me. I love knowing you.

Anyway, I've rambled my face off. Peace.

Countryside and Caffiene.

Warning: This entry is not meant to be entertaining or original. If you want to hear your typical cross-country roadtrip life-is-completely-changing story, then bother reading it. But that's exactly all this is.

I tried to update this from the road but there was so much going on that it was hard to even answer text messages. Driving is a really exhausting enterprise, especially when it's across the country in two different directions and when you realize how much you are both leaving behind and heading toward. It's important to stay in the moment but when you think about it the past and future are really happening right now too... and I think it's okay to freak out a little when you are considering all of these things. I thought about all my friends while I drove across the various states... thought about all the things I needed to leave behind, all the negative things I was holding onto, all the security and beliefs that don't mean anything really... all the things I had leftover to say to people. I kind of left without trying too hard to say bye to a lot of people because it didn't seem to make sense somehow. I needed to leave at peace with the things I did and did not do, knowing that there is no pair of sentences that can make me feel completely great about my entire life... I just needed to go, with the way things are, with the way they were meant to be. Being here now, I feel like I did the right thing, like there's no way I could have done things any differently really. I am so thankful to have been blessed with so many wonderful chances, and with those different kind of eyes, the ones that can recognize the heavens opening in all skies and the opportunity in each inch. Anyway, onward.

Bryan Wilson Bramlett and I began our trek around 8:30am on a Wednesday, December 29 and headed North. In no rush, we got to Richmond, VA around 7pm and, after hearing the weather in New England was pretty awful still, piles of dirty snow and such, we stopped at a Knight's Inn for the night. It was a cool spot and we had an awesome grocery store dinner... watched the movie Chuck and Larry and just enjoyed the ridiculousness that is our time together. Giggle fits ensued. The next day we made it to New York City and stayed with Bryan's friend (he's known her since Kindergarten!), the lovely Katherine Aul. Again, blessed with delicious and nutritious food, our NYC adventure was off to a solid start. Katherine took us on a mini-tour of her chunk of the city, showed us around Central Park, provided good conversation and a contagiously pleasant attitude the next day. Bryan and I wandered for a short while off by ourselves and then later went to a party with Katherine and her "wife" (like mine!) named Teets. Bryan and I spent a lot of the party together, and a lot of the party with Miss Teets, enjoying the company of the crowd and crunkosity of the three-layer apartment. 2011 was brought in with a series of kisses and a lot of happy noises, good people, and a really beautiful feeling of vibrancy, aliveness, aloudness. Saturday, Bram and I wandered, completely nervously, around Times Square, just soaking in the sheer whelm of it all. Not my fave experience ever but I think it was good to see the city at that kind of time... sometimes things are best to see this way. Either way, it was an overall cool experience and Katherine's hostessing was good enough to create a Yelp! page for. I would totally love her on Yelp! Also, there were cats.

On January 2, Bryan and I started crossing the country in the other direction: westward. During our 4 day journey, we saw highways and roadkill, snow and stars, indians and sunsets. We saw everything. It was amazing, most of all, to see how each state differs from the last, how the sunset across the entire sky of Ohio transformed into the misery that is driving across Indiana. We flowed into Illinois where there were so many good vibes and soft lights, cities perfectly distanced from the highways, buildings built in accordance with God's permission, like they were laid out like constellations on the ground almost. We stayed the night in a $35 (after-tax) room in Morris, Illinois (ha!). It was basically a riot of which deserves more than a sentence, but perhaps a tale for another day. Then was the rest of Illinois, BEAUTIFUL IOWA!!!, Nebraska, and a bit of Wyoming. I drove through Iowa on my own, through the whole state, Bryan asleep by my side most of the way. There was so much peace in those rolling hills, sweeping flatlands, all of it. It was just the most comforting and spiritual drive of my life. I just felt like prayers and promise were keeping me at peace behind that wheel, going 80mph and feeling like everything was in perfect order. Nebraska was aiight, beautiful stars! Wyoming, by night, was all about minimal humanity, all about the natural land, and NATIVES! By day, it was snowing, winding roads. Bryan took the wheel that entire day... way too nerve-racking for a Granny-driver such as myself. Point is, we rolled through Utah and Nevada, stopping in a sketch convenience store, Knight's Inn, Casino & Diner combo truck-stop. Nothing to write home about. Fu' Realz. The next day we just rolled through California's windy mountains into the Bay Area. So much green everywhere you looked... just grassy hills. It really amazed us how the geography of the states fits where they separate... was that on purpose? I guess it doesn't really matter. Getting to El Cerrito was exciting... it felt good to be back in a familiar place, knowing the car (newly named Cleopatra) had made it, and so had we.

Since we got back on Wednesday, I've been handing out resumes and looking daily for somewhere to live... to start my own independent adventure. It's been really frustrating and difficult and I've cried a ton in the last few days, just emptying myself of weird emotional build-up and necessary anxieties, but I know it's all so good and that I'm right where I need to be, doing the best I possibly can. I am so lucky to have Bryan here to tell me I'm pretty when I feel miserable, to hold my hand when I feel so scared, and to remind me constantly how lucky I am just by being present with me, and understanding of my struggle. I am so grateful for this challenge, so grateful for all the encouragement from those I know, for my own motivation to do things on my own, for being young and healthy and ready to do everything. I just hope it works out, too. I just hope I have somewhere of my own to live, a job to go to. I know that this was long-winded, but such is life. And, oh, it is so very good.

Meow, from the Left Coast.
<3

All I can think are selfish thoughts.

I feel like my brain is exploding with all the things I'm forgetting to say.