Cross Your Heart.

I hope I never get too old to recognize an opportunity for adventure... and never too cruel to keep those opportunities to myself. Somebody posted this clip on Britta's facebook. It just reminded me in the midst of homework time that this is all just an adventure. If we don't see it that way, what's the point, you know?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nviA72Lfio8&feature=player_embedded

Living the freakin' dream, man.

dubyateeeff

I feel like I am constantly saving them up, for later maybe, like pennies in a fat piggy bank, minus the reward when he breaks. I feel like the pennies just disappear or something, like there is more often than not nothing for me to do, nothing for me to say, and endless things for me to doubt. There is too much fear in this, fear we should be better and bigger than... but it is nothing in you or in me, but is it something between us? All of us? An unwillingness to speak it in a way where we don't feel desperate first, a last resort. We are all so much better than we behave. I haven't been completely honest with a single person in my entire life. It's not my fault. That's just the reality. That's just human communication. But why do we care at all what other people say, how people say them. What is the value of language any way? The people I know the best I've known since before we met, before they knew we would matter, when I was alone. That's how I learned, you know? Is that the only way? Why do I feel like they always see it in everyone but me?

I don't mean that in like a pitying sense but more like a question of self. Room for improvement?

I went to the fair a few weekends ago. These are my favorite pictures from it.

Dreamzzz

"I just woke up from a dream where we knew the Tanner family and you shared underwear with DJ and when I asked you why, you looked at me like I was stupid and then started trying to feed a pair of underwear applesauce because there was a smiley face on it. Also, they told me that most of the scenes were filmed underwater."

-Robin Gervais, my sister, to me via text. 10:21am, October 5, 2010

May we always have the details to be thankful for.

Balance

I feel like I don't know how to get it to stay in the middle.

I feel like I don't know how to make myself stay in the middle.

I don't think I understand what you want from me.

I understand that we're all in some way the same, but I'm not like them.

I wish I knew how to bring things up without sounding crazy.

Meow

Today, I feel like a bird.

"There is no past - and the future clearly isn’t written yet. The bright lights add an element of blindness as if I’m singing into an abyss, talking to the Gods, in trust, and as the audience is sometimes removed from view – it’s as if I’m operating out of the purpose of pure joy."

http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/2010/09/on-tour-we-trust.html

I am an obese person stuck in a little girl's body.

I have a significant conflict happening within me right now. I have this strong desire to make the time go a little faster, do the things I need to do to get out of here, do well, etc. And this thing constantly rubbing against it saying "you don't really feel like doing anything, do you?" -- just this big heavy weight of no-motivation and this lightness of "but it's all so grand really, isn't it?" You know? Maybe not. It's not such a big deal anyway.

I don't want to do homework. I do want to get out of here. I want to want to do everything. I also want to eat a cheeseburger. But I have made it almost ten months without one. I'm not giving up now. It's also been one year and almost ten months since I drank Mountain Dew, in any form or flavor. It's the little things, eh?

Ole Len...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk7DOe5EGgM&feature=related

"I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
you were famous, your heart was a legend.
You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.
And clenching your fist for the ones like us
who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind,
we are ugly, but we have the music."

Such an Autumn song to me. Loves.

Shadow of a Doubt

"You think you know something, don't you? You think you're the clever little girl who knows something. There's so much you don't know, so much. What do you know, really? You're just an ordinary little girl, living in an ordinary little town. You wake up every morning of your life and you know perfectly well that there's nothing in the world to trouble you. You go through your ordinary little day, and at night you sleep your untroubled ordinary little sleep, filled with peaceful stupid dreams. And I brought you nightmares. Or did I? Or was it a silly, inexpert little lie? You live in a dream. You're a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? Do you know the world is a foul sty? Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you'd find swine? The world's a hell. What does it matter what happens in it? Wake up, Charlie. Use your wits. Learn something."

Sometimes I wake up Uncle Charlie. Sometimes I'm Charlotte.

I think most of the time though, it's about being a little bit of both.

Otherwise, one of you is going to end up dead.

The Wonder

"Love has, at its best, made the inherent sadness of life bearable, and its beauty manifest."
from An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison

I Know How You've Been Feeling Today

"Nobody'd ever done anything bad to me, every problem I ever had I'd been the cause of. I was a fraud, and the fact that I was lonely was my own fault (of course his ears pricked up at fault, which is a loaded term) because I seemed to be so totally self-centered and fraudulent that I experienced everything in terms of how it affected people's view of me and what I needed to do to create the impression of me I wanted them to have. I said I knew what my problem was, what I couldn't do was stop it."

from "Good Old Neon" - David Foster Wallace

My face only looks like who I want you to think I am.

It could get graphic here.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/11278829/vintage-style-fantasy-flapper-mannequin